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27 Signs Your Friend Needs The D

We’ve all had the struggle of being friends with someone who’s going through a dry spell, and not being able to share your own sexual misadventures with this person, for fear that their head will explode from the level of pent-up frustration they have inside. We’ve all had dry-spells before. Sometimes they feel not so terrible, but other days, they make us feel like we’re going crazy. 

But you are the reason why her dry spell will be ok. You’ll protect her from making dumb decisions, be there for her when she accidentally does, and accept her rollercoaster of moods that come with the need for some D.

  1. At first, it’s all puppies and rainbows. They go into a feminist mode, talking about how they don’t have to dress sexy and look hot for a potential beau.
  2. Their being “tired from work” is an excuse that you need to nod along with.
  3. They say that they’re glad they don’t have to shave their legs or worry about a bikini wax.
  4. Samesies with protecting themselves from sexual diseases.
  5. Because there’s nothing that their trusty vibrator can’t take care of.
  6. But sometimes you need to have interventions to remind them that it’s not ok to show up in public places in stained sweatpants and a wifebeater, the national “I stopped giving a shit” signal.
  7. They say that food can’t really replace sex.
  8. But it often does, and they might as well try.
  9. This manifests in sharing large pies of pizza between just the two of you, and a pint Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. Friends need solidarity in emotional eating.
  10. At least, you remind them, they can channel all their energy into creative focuses, or at work.
  11. You cannot tell sex stories, or stories about the dates you went on, without them getting mopey and wistful for the sexcapades they once had.
  12. If you do, they will be met with bitterness or creepy over-eagerness about the details.
  13. You are basically their secondhand portal into a sex life.
  14. They bring up sex at weird times that aren’t relevant cause when you’re not getting it, it seems to always be on your mind.
  15. You have to hear them complain about how they don’t remember the last time they had sex.
  16. “This is bullshit” is the number one sentiment said at random times.
  17. They start to do the bargaining of standards, which is dangerous.
  18. On social media, they show previous suitors that you guys used to both be grossed out by. Now, they are considering.
  19. The next hour after they show you this, you’re forced to convince them it’s not a good idea because you know they will regret it severely and you will have to hear about this unfortunate event for a while after.
  20. They’ve convinced themselves that Netflix is a decent substitute until it isn’t.
  21. Then there are a lot of randomly irritable moments.
  22. There is a lot of misdirected anger in petty situations because sexual frustration is the fucking worst energy to have pent up inside.
  23. They turned into a workout freak to get their endorphins elsewhere and now judge you if you don’t go with them.
  24. You also have to remind them that texting their ex is a really bad idea.
  25. You also have to talk them down from getting a cat and being convinced this is the solution to everything.
  26. You are supportive and gentle in this process because the cat lady talks are a sensitive subject.
  27. A lot of your time is spent convincing them not to take it personally, dry spells happen to everyone. They’re not having a fat month and it’s not because of that chin pimple.