As you well know, the goal of the good people at World Wide Interweb is to create the dumbest possible lists the internet has ever seen. With that in mind we proudly present “The 5 Greatest Fingers Of All Time” which is “hands down” the dumbest list the internet has ever seen. Oh, and we sincerely hope your stupid fart face mom gets bitten by a squirrel monkey today
#5 The Pinky – Sure the pinky is cute and it’ll eventually break, but let’s face it… the pinky is the stinky of the five fingers. It serves no real purpose, it breaks easily and it’s only useful function is an occasional naked bedroom time accidental butthole prank. Sorry to break it to you pinky, but you can get the boot from all hands moving forward and nobody would miss you.
#4 The Ring Finger – The ringer fingers primary purpose seems to be a showcase of love but at the same time it also causes lots of fighting, arguments and financial hardship which is why it’s so far down on the finger chain. I personally think it’s time for the ring finger to get off its high horse and get a real finger job.
#3 The Pointer Finger – The pointer finger is great for pointing at things, telling people to do stuff for you because you’re too hungover to get off the couch and it also gets high praise for being our “phone finger.” It’s easily the most utilitarian of all the fingers yet it’s always seemed to lack a certain finger je ne sais quoi. Yeah I don’t really know what “je ne sais quoi” actually means… what’s your point?
#2 The Middle Finger – Let’s face it, the world is full of assholes and the middle finger helps us deal with each and every asshole one middle finger rise at a time. It’s also the longest of all the fingers and it allows us to make that cool snapping noise when it’s quickly rubbed against our thumbs. Middle finger good.
#1 The Thumb – Sure it’s the fattest and most unattractive of all the fingers, A.K.A. “The Khloe Kardashian of Fingers,” but let’s face it, the other four fingers would be useless without the thumb. If we didn’t have thumbs we’d be forced to eat like dogs which actually isn’t a bad thing the more I think about it. The bottom line is that thumbs win because they’re the funniest finger to suck on and at the end of the day, isn’t sucking on things what we’re all really fighting for.