It feels like all rules kind of fly out the window when your child may be dying. A terminal illness really changes everything and parenting that child becomes so emotionally wrought with unanswerable questions.
Redditor u/Inevitable-Brush2686 recently took to Reddit to get a decision on if he was an A-hole for letting his terminally ill daughter smoke and drink. Here’s his story.
Hello, I am the (42) father to a 16 year old girl.
About 3 months ago we found out via a visit to the hospital that our daughter had a late stage form of brain cancer and were told that survival was not likely. We tried anyway, but despite our best efforts we found no improvement in the cancer. My daughter is aware of this.
OP’s sixteen year old daughter has late stage brain cancer; they tried treating it, but the outlook is very poor and the cancer did not respond.
Well, recently, my wife was looking for a hair straightener my daughter had borrowed and found a few grams of marijuana, an elf-bar vape, as well as a partially empty handle of Tito’s Vodka in her bedroom.
OP’s wife found pot, a vape, and vodka in the girl’s room one day while looking for a hair straightener.
When confronted, my daughter confessed to have been using these substances for about a month at that point. She said that since she knew she wasn’t likely going to survive past 18, she wanted to try these things socially, and assured us she was being responsible with them.
The daughter confessed that she’d been using for a month because she wouldn’t make it past 18 and wanted to try them. She promised to be responsible.
I myself am a user of these substances, as we live in a legal state. I do not vape, though I do smoke cigarettes, drink, and will occasionally roll myself a joint. While normally I would not want my children using these, I thought I could make an exception due to the circumstances. My wife, however, disagrees. She only drinks a glass of wine every now and then, and dislikes nicotine and marijuana.
OP lives in a legalized state and indulges himself; he was fine to make an exception for his daughter to also partake. OP’s wife disagreed. They found a compromise, but the wife is still unhappy.
We had a conversation and came to the conclusion that she would be allowed to do these things under my supervision, as long as they are from retail stores and dispensaries and not street dealers, though my wife remains adamant she should not be doing them at all.
Here’s how Reddit felt.
Hospice nurse chiming in. First NTA. Let her experience what she can while she can still enjoy it. I’m assuming she’s either got DIPG or Glio – both devastating. Just be careful if she’s taking narcotics for pain or benzos for sleep/anxiety. The systemic depression combination of those drugs mixed with alcohol really can be a deadly combination. 2nd, try within your means to check off bucket list items for her. It gives her goals and reasons to get out of bed in thr morning. See if you can get her with Make A Wish. They don’t just do Disney for little kids. 3rd the MJ can help with pain and appetite. And 4th, if she doesn’t want to treat, do get her admitted to hospice services. They can be such a help with things you don’t know you need right now. Hospice is not just for the very end. Studies show that people on Hospice live longer than those that do not get admitted till the very end. The goal is comfort and Quality of life. Best wishes to your family
“She’s going to die young??? Let her do ANYTHING she wants. For real,” wrote in another person.
Someone else expressed sorrow. “NTA. I’m so sorry that you can’t ground your daughter into oblivion and then laugh about it in 30 years when she’s a mom. A little vodka won’t hurt her, and a little weed might help her.”
“NAH – She should be allowed to experience those things if she wants to, especially since most teenagers do, as long as it’s not excessive. But from what i’m reading, it seems like you’re a great parenting team since you found a solution with your wife that allows your daugther to live those experience as safely as possible. So I dont think there’s any AH here,” said Ka1306.