5. Thank God for people like Jared.
Went to fancy movie theater with date. Decide to buy a bottle of wine. Go back to bar. Ask for two glasses. Bartender says he needs two ID’s. I’m too lazy to go back to seats to grab dates ID. Tell him I’m alone and was embarrassed to ask for just one glass. He is clearly sympathetic. Idiot me then tries to sell the story and continue on about how lonely I’ve been recently. He tells me he’s off in a few minutes and insists on watching the movie with me. I try to fight it but I could only argue so much without giving away the truth. Bartender is insistent. I text my date what’s happening. Go back to theater with my new date. Sit a few rows in front of my first date. She has the stupidest grin on her face as me and the bartender (Jared) sit a couple rows in front of her. He ends up being super cool and bought me and him another bottle during the movie. Movie ends. I thank him for his gesture. He didn’t even ask for my number or anything. I think Jared was just a genuine guy trying to comfort someone. Met back up with my date in the parking lot and thankfully she found the whole thing hilarious.
I don’t deserve Jared.
4. Um, try waiting at least 12 hours between dates?
this happened about 2 hours ago. It all started about 2 days ago.
I messaged both “Alice”, and “Stacy” this Sunday, on OKCupid. I am a sad lonely man, and I need a ladyfriend. They both happened to respond. Awesome!
I set up the date with “Stacy” first. We set it for this Friday, around 415 for coffee. Cool.
Now, if any of you have ever dated online before, you know how often flakes, cancels, fades, and general bullshit happens.
So as I was still talking to Stacy, I set up a date with Alice. Based on my talking with Stacy, she seemed somewhat reserved and timid, and it felt like a “1-2 hour” coffee date kind of thing. So I figured I had time on Friday night to go out with Alice.
Alice and I play some rocket league, set up a date Friday night, everything is groovy.
Fast forward to today. I talked to both Stacyand Alice on/off until today. About 3 hours ago, I receive this message from Stacyon OKCupid:
“Oh my god this is too funny. You should che-”
At this point, I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Then I got a text from Alice…
“-ck your phone”
HOW IN THE ACTUAL FUCK, OUT OF ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD DO I HAPPEN TO PICK 2 WOMEN THAT ARE BEST FRIENDS, MEET EACH OTHER TUESDAY NIGHT AND ASK EACH OTHER ABOUT THEIR FUCKING DATES ON FRIDAY.
I can only imagine their fucking faces when they figure out they’re going out with the same dude, on the same day, mere hours apart.
The last I heard, one was really fucking pissed at me and the other one thinks it’s hilarious.
Yes I know, 3some jokes, fuck you. A better man than me might have pulled it off.
TL;DR Set up dates with two completely seperate women on OKC, on the same day. They hung out today and happen to be best fucking friends and figured out they’re both going out with the same guy
First SS from Stacy: http://imgur.com/nk7VWrf
Next SS from Alice: http://imgur.com/k6XcEKm
3. Honestly, props to this girl for not putting up with any teenage boy laziness.
Okay it seems that I must post that this wasn’t today but like 18 years ago in HS.
I was set up on a blind date by a buddy of mine. I was the quiet but funny and nerdy kid who was essentially the king of the band geeks. She was a conservative and quiet girl about my age from the rich part of town.
We talked on the phone for a few days (as was the style at the time) and I worked up the gumption to ask her out on a date-date.
She said yes.
I picked her up, and after some basic pleasantries with her mother, we drove off in my car.
“Where are we going?” She asked.
WELL SHIT. I hadn’t actually connected the idea that I needed to plan. Normally I just wing it. So… I winged it….
“Where nobody can hear you scream” I replied.
I chuckled and kept driving, thinking that she got my “joke”. A minute of awkward silence later and I asked “Where would you like to go?”
“Home” she said with the defeat in her voice that you’d expect from a 10 minute date-gone-wrong.
Shortest date ever.
2. If this isn’t a bonding experience, I don’t know what is.
Happened a few years ago but never shared with ya’ll, so here goes.
Dinner with a girl I had been dating for a few weeks (we’ll call her S)… this was probably the third date. We ate a nice, filling meal at Buca di Beppo (a family-style Italian restaurant).
Left the restaurant feeling pretty comfortable, and was headed towards the movie theater. Three seconds after leaving the parking structure, the first wave of abdominal blitzkrieg started. “Oh SHIT” I thought, but it was still under control. Usually the first wave is manageable, and we were only about a 10 minute drive from our destination. “I’m sorry but I need to find a place to stop for a second,” I explained to S. FF 2 minutes later, second wave. Not good. It was intense. And the spacing between the waves was very worrisome. My record shows that I can usually survive two waves. At this point my rectum was an overinflated balloon of poopslush and the valiant balloon knot was about to succumb. I knew I had all of about a minute to find a bathroom, fast.
Fortunately, there was a gas station up ahead. Unfortunately, the Third Wave hits. Started sweating profusely, hands tightly gripping the steering wheel while my poor asshole clenched like a dinghy trying to deter the Spanish armada. With the last bit of my resolve and sphincter-strength I managed to leave my car, engine running and facing the gas station office and fast-paced it in. “Bathroom?” Gas station sees me, sees my look of panic, and said the five words I least wanted to hear. “Sorry, it’s out of order”.
Well at that point I had spent the last of my energy holding back the floodgates and as I walked out it was all over. Streams and streams of half-liquid shame filled my boxer-briefs and began dribbling down both legs, with the headlights of my still-running car pointed directly at me while I did the poop-shuffle back towards the car. Poor S was probably not expecting her Friday night to take this unexpected turn of events. I made eye contact with S in the passenger seat, and all I could do was shake my head in embarrassment and complete defeatedness as a failure of a human being. She opened the window as if to ask something (as if she didn’t already know) and all I could keep repeating was “it’s out. it came out.” as I was still shaking my head, and poop-shuffling my feet.
I started duck-waddling towards the dumpster at the back of the gas station, and motioned for my lovely date to move my car towards the dumpster so I could get out of my soiled clothes. That went without incident, except for the bright headlights of a too-curious Escalade that happened to linger on me a bit longer than necessary. Had to throw out my briefs along with my jeans, but fortunately my shoes were spared. I climbed back into the car, and thankfully she didn’t laugh at me or embarrass me further as I asked her to please just drive me home so I can get changed/cleaned up.
I was in the back seat but I didn’t want to soil my car, so I had to get on all fours. Unfortunately that meant that either way I faced, my ass would be facing a window. We also didn’t get very far before the godawful reeking smell of my desecrated behind started filling the car. It also didn’t take very long after that before she started dry-heaving, repeatedly. The tinted windows had to come down. I still remember looking over my shoulder, past the curve of my untanned rump and seeing the expression of what was probably a very nice older lady in her minivan in the next lane. Her face quickly changed from curiosity to complete shock and disgust after mentally processing the image before her eyes. I didn’t even have a chance to mouth the words “I’m sorry”, but I was… so very sorry.
So. TL;DR: Pooped my pants, ruined a date, but ended up being with the girl for many years before we parted ways to reasons unrelated to poop.
Edit: Wow GOLD! I never in my wildest dreams thought my poop would be worth a darn. Thank you kind stranger!
Edit 2: Thank you for the narration /u/KuromanKuro!! http://youtu.be/pSuNET6CHsE
1. Yeah, I think pretty much everyone could have told you that this was a bad idea.
I’ll keep this brief since I’m having to type with my elbows while I’m double-facepalming.
I met this girl on Tinder, and after a few messages, we agreed to meet up in person. I’m horrible at thinking of fun things to do on a date, but I remembered reading on her profile that she likes museums. I asked if there were any museums that she wanted to go to, to which she said, “Let’s go to that Holocaust museum!” At the time, the blood wasn’t exactly in my brain, so I said, “Sure, sounds like fun!” I should have said “How about no? Let’s go to literally any other kind of museum.”
We arrived at the museum, and as I stood there looking at a massive pile of twisted glasses frames and discarded shoes worn by the prisoners, I realized that I have seriously fucked up. What started off as a damn good first date, quickly became a regretful experience. We didn’t talk, we didn’t hold hands or make any physical contact whatsoever; we just walked in somber silence.
I tried to lighten the mood, but once you’ve been brought down by the atrocities of the Holocaust, there’s really no cheering-up for a while. I dropped her off at her house without so much as a fist-bump, and drove myself home.