8.
9 out of 10 dentists don’t believe my flossing answer.
— …And Justin For All (@Staggfilms) February 16, 2018
7.
6.
Olympic ski jumpers go sixty miles an hour down the side of a mountain and I have a panic attack if I sneeze while driving.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 10, 2018
5.
Me in my 20s:
Runs 5 miles, plays 3 hours of full court basketball, then goes out drinkingMe now:
Gets tired sitting in traffic— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) February 15, 2018
4.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 24, 2017
3.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
— Toxic AF (@ToxicProbably) July 24, 2015
2.
People who tell you to ‘shoot for the moon’ fail to mention that if your math is even slightly off, you’re totally screwed. They’re basically telling you to get lost. Forever. In space.
— Ditz McGee ? (@deedles420) February 16, 2018
1.
“I’m going to call it a day.”
Me, after 5 min of anything.
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) February 6, 2016