Nathan Davidson
A Michigan man caught that perfect hole in the news cycle where nothing is really happening, people are busy with holidays, traveling, or trying to find their way out of the local bar in one piece. This man did what all of us that have ever owned a Chapstick, pen, or a child could never do: He actually didn’t lose it. This American hero not only picked up a solid, black, chrome-decorated pen, but he finished it. He finished a pen, that’s right, until it ran out of ink.
He is reportedly earning “praise and admiration” for this commendable feat. It made the actual news. And you’re now reading about it.
This was something that had never been done in their local law enforcement history. The Bath Township officials even said that he “set out on a mission” and succeeded.
“To use up an entire pen without losing or breaking it… We are pleased to say he finally succeeded,” officials said on their Facebook page.
“This pen has been rescued from mud puddles, the side of the highway and even the deep depths of that slit between the seat and the center console in the cruiser… He may or may not have even had to drive back to someone’s house to retrieve the pen,” said the department of a real-life place where they’re actually cops that work at an existing job. So you heard it here first (second?), folks. He may or may not have had to go to a stranger’s house for a pen. That’s the news.
People continued to be flabbergasted about this incredibly momentous achievement by saying “I’ve never heard of such a thing… It seems next to impossible. I would lose the pen or misplace it. I admire the officer for trying such a thing.”
They are literally waiting to hear word from the Guinness Book of World Records.
The man, then, treated this like an opportunity to make an oscar speech by saying “I’d like to thank God for this amazing opportunity, my family for having my back and all of my coworkers for their unwavering support.”
So there’s that. What do you think his new pen will look like? Sound off in the comments! *fart noise*