McDonald’s French Fries May Cure Baldness, Study Says

In what may be the most positive news story to come out of America since 2015, Researchers at Yokohama National University recently discovered that they could regrow hair in mice with a chemical used in “cooking” of McDonald’s french fries. Using this magical chemical, Yokohama researchers mass-produced “hair follicle germs” (HFG) that might become a more effective (and delicious) treatment for hair-loss and male-pattern baldness.

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“The key for the mass production of HFGs was a choice of substrate materials for culture vessel,” author Junji Fukuda of Yokohama National University said in a statement. “We used oxygen-permeable dimethylpolysiloxane (PDMS) at the bottom of the culture vessel, and it worked very well.” Ronald McDonald’s top chefs use dimethylpolysiloxane in their french fry preparation because it prevents the cooking oil from splashing in their employee’s faces. We’re lovin’ it.

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It’s time for bald men of the world to officially rejoice and begin their strict McDonald’s french fries regimen. As for the rest for the rest of us with a full head of hair… well, we can only hope that science soon discovers the Taco Bell’s Cheesy Gordita Crunch is the cure for impotence and the common cold.

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