Everybody has their own personal oddities that they keep secret. You know, that one time you bit your toenails and decided it was totally satisfying? Or how you always poop with your shirt off? Or how sometimes your nipples itch, and you pinch them to make the feeling go away?
Or whatever, maybe not those things. Those things are weird.
But some of the little secrets you keep are actually not really yours at all – I mean, men everywhere know the feeling of peeing with a split stream, we just don’t necessarily talk about it. Until now…
So ladies, if you’ve ever wondered exactly what was going on in your male friends’/lovers’ minds, here is your shot to finally get the clarity that you’ve been looking for. I hope it’s everything you dreamed it would be.
33. On long showers
We take a long time to shower because…..
….we’re trying to redirect the stream of water toward the clumps of your hair on the wall. Cuz that’s gross to look at. It takes a while without an adjustable shower head.
>EDIT: This has gained a strange amount of attention, so I just want to say that we do have a filter/sieve thing we put over the drain to catch all the hair. But there is still hair on the wall for some reason. And it is our duty to splish and splash so each strand squiggles down like a worm on a water-slide.
32. On insecurity:
I think it’s not often addressed that guys, just like girls, also deal with their fair share of insecurities, body dysmorphia, and pressures from society to act and look a certain way. It’s just that openly talking about it and dealing with those emotions is more shameful and less accepted.
31. On getting ready for a date:
If we’re dating and planning on hanging out tonight I’m going to rub one out in the morning just in case we have sexy time so that I don’t blow my load in the first minute.
30. On starting young:
We have been watching porn since we were about 12 years old and your 50 shades of gray stuff is JV team shit
29. On how to be confident:
Ok here’s the big one:
You wake up in the morning, you roll out of bed and fumble your way to the kitchen to pour yourself some cereal or make coffee, but you’re out of milk. You throw on whatever clothes you have to, in order to not break the law or freeze to death. Then you stumble down the road and into the nearest shop for milk. Then you return home and eat your cereal.
At no point do you give a single shit about what you look like or what people think about what you look like because if they actually care they’re an asshole and you don’t have to care about them. And that’s the secret to male confidence.
28. On frequency:
We masturbate more than you think.
27. On the absence of ulterior motives:
If we randomly surprise you with flowers or some gift for no reason, it doesn’t mean there is an ulterior motive or that we are trying to get forgiveness for something.
So when you make a big deal and try to roast us with questioning, or say things like “Wow, why can’t you be more like this more often?”, all you are doing is sending the signal to the man’s brain “Do not do the thing again that brings her suspicion on you.”.
Besides, we know if it becomes expected, then it becomes a chore and we are treated as some sort of failure when we don’t do it.
26. On the things that really matter:
Wife: Why didn’t you tell me Jeff was having a baby?!
Me: Oh yeah. I forgot.
Wife: When did he tell you?!
Me: (shrug) A few months ago or so.
Wife: I don’t know how you don’t tell me these things immediately…
Me: We probably started talking about how strong gorillas are and I forgot.
Mostly nothing is that important to us. Except how strong gorillas are. That shit is crazy.
25. On slaying dragons:
When you ask us to do something difficult for you (open a jar, fix a thing, move something heavy, drive a long distance, etc.), and we seem to struggle, don’t stop us. At that point we have to get it done. Let us slay the dragon for you (and for us).
The exception is finding stuff. You lost your phone. You’ll most likely find it. I have no idea where it is, and I’d rather be fixing a thing.
24. On boobies:
Just so you know. All boobs will get stared at some point. No matter the size. Just the concept of breasts is as fascinating to men as laser pointers to cats.