The joy of being a straight man is that we’re always ready to see a naked woman. Honestly, that must be the reason men think it’s a two-way street. “If I’d like to see her, then surely, she must want to see me too?” we think. We’re stupid. Please do not shoot the messenger here. I’m not an unsolicited dick pic apologist. In fact, I think the fun of sending nudes is that they were requested in the first place. That’s the fun part. It feels good to be wanted. Sadly, I don’t think any picture of my body would suddenly seal the deal with any human being, so I’ve never been the type who sends one of these. I’ve always relied on tact, being a funny person, and sheer luck. So, maybe I’m the wrong person to ask?
I’ll never understand why someone wants to look at leaked nudes of celebrities either because you know, in your heart, those photos weren’t sent to you. If a celebrity sent me a nude on purpose, however, that might brighten my day (Ryan Reynolds, I can keep a secret).
If you’re a man reading this article, I hope you realize that dick pics are still “allowed.” But if you feel like you’re vibing with someone at a bar, you don’t immediately whip it out, do you? No. So, why would you do it digitally? Now, if someone at the bar asks you to do it, that sounds like a story you will one day tell your grandkids. Go for it.
For now, though, let’s hear from women who had killer responses to the dreaded unsolicited dick pic.
Here are the funniest answers from a r/askwomen Reddit thread about how to reply to unwanted dick pics:
1. A real gut punch.
“Hmm. I’ve never seen one that looked like that before. Are you okay?” -anonymous
2. Call the police. There’s been a murder.
“Why are you sending me a pic of a child’s penis?” –peppermind
3. Really getting to know a lot about this person.
“Mine’s bigger.” –sassyosaurus
4. The smartest move.
“I just block immediately. I don’t want to give them any kind of reaction since that’s probably what they want.” –IslanderGirl96
5. The best medicine.
“I always send a pic back, one that I found on the internet a long time ago, and it still works wonders to this day. It’s gross, it’s offensive, it’s hairy and disgusting and nobody ever messages me back after they see it. LOL
It just gives them a taste of their own medicine.” –PoukieBear
6. A few go-tos.
“You should have that looked at.”
“Congratulations, my vagina has never been more dry.”
“Does your mama know you send this to women on the internet?” –SassMasterJules
7. Confuse your opponent.
“Thank you for subscribing to cat facts. You are now subscribed to cat facts.” -anonymous
8. Sick burn, bro.
“That looks just like a penis, only smaller.” –small_e_900
9. This would keep them up at night.
Send back a picture of a bigger dick. –Sorcha16
10. Turn it into a game.
“Oooo are we playing the rating game? 2 out of 10.” -anonymous
11. Was there some sort of accident?
“Where’s the rest of it?” –savingkate
12. Make some art.
I edit them and make a Christmas tree and add decorations. ???? And of course send them back. –bakingsometimes
13. Teach them about biology while responding.
I send them a picture of an animal penis that looks similar to a human one (the best one I’ve used is Mountain Lion). –EggeLegge
14. Men are afraid of being laughed at.
“”Hahahahahaha, you have to be joking!” –Aliamarc
15. Ice cold.
I usually just say “Unsubscribe.” –colourscaptivating