10. Poop Knives
We kicked off 2018 by learning that not only is the “poop knife” a thing that exists, multiple people have grown up with their own particular versions of it. It all started with a Reddit confession, which I now only slightly regret to have to share with you in full:
My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?
I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.
(It gets worse)
Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had “guests” over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour.
I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.
“Wtf is a poop knife?”
Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.
(It gets worse)
I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.
Ok you made it through. Here’s some evidence this wasn’t some Texas Chainsaw Massacre-family-type one-off:
11. People Jumping Out Of Moving Vehicles For The #InMyFeelingsChallenge
Drake’s album Scorpion featured several bangers, but none caught on so virally as “In My Feelings.” Internet comedian Shiggy posted a video of himself dancing to “In My Feelings” to his Instagram, sparking the now-infamous #InMyFeelingsChallenge.
What should have just been people mimicking Shiggy to Drake’s track somehow escalated into folks recording themselves as they jumped out of moving cars to complete the dance challenge. Though some have been able to spring out of a slowly-moving vehicle to complete the challenge, others have been severely injured trying to attempt the stunt. Some have even recorded themselves getting hit by oncoming traffic.
The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) eventually got involved, issuing a warning on Twitter and calling the challenge “dangerous and deadly.” But not before Teen Mom star Jenelle Evans posted a video of herself doing the challenge to Instagram, where she comes frighteningly close to getting hit by a passing car.
12. The “WHO BIT BEYONCÉ?” Scandal
Actor and comedian Tiffany Haddish revealed in a March interview with GQ that somebody had bitten Beyoncé (IN THE FACE) at a party for Jay-Z’s 4:44 album party several months prior.
A recap: “[There was] this actress there that’s just, like, doing the mostest,” clarifying, “She bit Beyoncé in the face . . . so Beyoncé stormed away, went up to Jay Z, and was like, ‘Jay! Come here! This bitch—’ and snatched him,” recounted Haddish . “They went to the back of the room. I was like, ‘What just happened?’ And Beyoncé’s friend walked up and was like, ‘Can you believe this bitch just bit Beyoncé?’”
The Internet demanded to know. Who bit Beyonce? And how dare she?
I cannot leave this planet without knowing who bit Beyonce in the face— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 26, 2018
Tiffany Haddish is Beyonce’s anger translator.— Mike Hinson (@HinsonMike) March 26, 2018
Anyway, actress Sanaa Lathan is the alleged culprit. She vehemently denies this.
13. Blake Lively Posting A “Makeup-Free Selfie”
Blake Lively posting a “makeup free selfie” that was neither makeup free nor a selfie was hilarious. The joke going over the heads of hundreds of fans and haters on social media is what’s dumb.
14. Logan Paul Filming A Suicide Victim In A Japanese Forest
Logan Paul and his friends laughing and smiling after discovering a dead body pic.twitter.com/azY7EAiuC4— JhbTeam ???? Dreamhack (@JhbTeam) January 2, 2018
At the start of the year, YouTube star Logan Paul filmed himself and some friends making jokes alongside a suicide victim in a Japanese forest. The video was watched millions of times by Paul’s 15 million subscribers, and though the YouTuber at one point says “suicide is not a joke,” he and his goons continue to laugh and make fun of the dead body. Logan Paul issued a dumb, self-serving apology when confronted with an onslaught of social media outrage.
15. Kim Kardashian Promoting Fat-Busting Lollipops On Social Media
Kim Kardashian promoting appetite suppressants. Does she have absolutely no shame? This is incredibly damaging and dangerous. pic.twitter.com/thFTNoCjYA— Em Sheldon (@emshelx) May 16, 2018
There is an ocean of dumb Kardashian/Jenner-related scandals to choose from, though I am typically of the “live and let live” mindset when it comes to celebrities, even such divisive ones. But the backlash Kim K faced when she promoted an “appetite suppressant lollipop” to her Instagram last May is too dumb not to include on this list.
It’s dumb because it is irresponsible and dangerous for a role model to act as though candy—and not exercise, diet, and plastic surgery—are responsible for her tiny waist. Kim’s sponsored post called the lollipops “literally unreal” and promised a discount to the first 500 people who purchased them from a company called Flat Tummy Co.
She eventually deleted the post from her Instagram and Twitter, but not before facing severe criticism by hundreds of critics, particularly The Good Place star Jameela Jamil.
No. Fuck off. No. You terrible and toxic influence on young girls. I admire their mother’s branding capabilities, she is an exploitative but innovative genius, however this family makes me feel actual despair over what women are reduced to. ☹️ pic.twitter.com/zDPN1T8sBM— Jameela Jamil ???? (@jameelajamil) May 16, 2018
16. The Slutty Handmaiden’s Tale Halloween Costume
Popular lingerie company Yandy was forced to stop selling a “sexy Handmaid’s Tale” Halloween costume after people nearly lost their minds that such a thing existed in the first place. The “Brave Red Maiden” costume was priced at $64.95 and featured a red bodycon minidress, a floor-length cloak, and the same sort of white bonnet worn by the characters on the Hulu show.
Slutty Handmaid Tale Costume was the natural progression of things pic.twitter.com/LuW9LiwK8X— Ben McDonald (@Bmac0507) September 20, 2018
17. The Parrot Who Cussed At Firefighters Trying To Rescue Her
dumbest most wonderful story from this past summer had to do with an abusive parrot named Jessie who got herself stuck on a roof in North London and continually screamed “f-ck off!” at firefighters who tried to rescue her.
Parrot owner: To bond with her say 'I love you'— London Fire Brigade (@LondonFire) August 13, 2018
Firefighter: 'I love you'
Jessie the Parrot: 'I love you'
Jessie then turned the air blue & flipped the firefighter the bird. Read the story of the potty-mouthed parrot in Cuckoo Hall Lane https://t.co/Th2nlVkOJ8 © @PaulWood1961 pic.twitter.com/XKd4BFJq4h
This parrot isn’t dumb. This parrot is a beautiful genius. The situation is dumb. Firefighters saying “I love you” to Jessie in Turkish and Greek while she screams at them to f-ck off, is dumb. The best part of the story was that Jessie straight up feigned injury just to have the opportunity to cuss at the authorities! We stan a (SMART) aviary scammer.