Mike Primavera
13.
I hit a guy while riding my bike and now we have a date. It’s a court date, but I’m still counting it.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) April 11, 2018
12.
If you mean, ‘have I ever passed out drunk on the coin operated horse outside of the grocery store”, then yes, I’ve been to the rodeo several times.
— Wine Honey™ (@Wine_Honey1) April 8, 2018
11.
I just want to be as tired at bedtime as I am all day at work
— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) April 6, 2018
10.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) May 28, 2013
9.
Life is like a surprise party: nobody cleared this with me first but now I guess I gotta stay, hang out, and be grateful.
— Chelsea Frank (@ChelseaSFrank) June 16, 2016
8.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) November 13, 2017
7.
imagine trying to tactfully break up with someone named Felicia
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 18, 2018
6.
Nothing you do matters. Duck Hunt was prerecorded. Your zapper gun did nothing. The birds died of natural causes. This is why the dog would laugh at you.
— Mr. Real Visions (@PajamaStew) March 21, 2018
5.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 31, 2015
4.
I can’t stop laughing at this pic.twitter.com/x2x8QnI49E
— kells (@kschaef95) April 13, 2018
3.
who called them labor contractions and not birthquakes?!
— snddoɥ ʞɹɐɯ (@markhoppus) April 5, 2018
2.
Angel: This one is broken. She only wants things she can’t have.
God: Lol no i made them all that way
— sg incognito (@iamspacegirl) January 7, 2016
1.
Me: time to watch a fun animated movie
Pixar: cry, bitch
Me: ok
— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) April 7, 2018
