Mike Primavera
Each week I put my potential drinking problem to work for the fine people of the Internet, polishing off an entire bottle of wine while scouring Twitter for some dank Tweets. Here is what was funny, at least at the time.
23.
I have yet to meet a little kid wearing sunglasses who is actually cool.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) June 30, 2011
22.
When you shave for the first time in months. pic.twitter.com/FkhhFrqHw3
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 8, 2016
21.
By now everyone should have picked a spring look. If you haven’t chosen a spring look, one will be assigned to you.
— (@NicCageMatch) March 18, 2016
20.
No, my kid didn’t do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It’s my desk.
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) August 18, 2014
19.
My favorite human trait is mistaking subjective experience for absolute truth, & holding other people accountable to that illusion.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) July 18, 2016
18.
I want a gym where they let you push big appliances off a cliff
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) July 6, 2012
17.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) January 8, 2018
16.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) February 21, 2015
15.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent— Ally Gator (@notacroc) November 3, 2017
14.
Son: you think you could make it out of Jurassic Park alive?
Me: *struggling just to make it through day to day life* without a doubt
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) April 16, 2018
