12.
[Target]
Me: We're just picking up a few things, right?
Wife: *evil cackle*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2017
11.
To ensure the safety of others and prevent the demise of your marriage, never start a home improvement project with your spouse.
— Hey, Laaaaainie! (@Wine_Charmer) September 2, 2017
10.
(sends raven to my husband)
"Dude, seriously, what do want for dinner?"— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 31, 2017
9.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask "Is this Led Zeppelin?"
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 30, 2015
8.
It's my wife Carmens Birthday today please join me in wishing that I don't do anything to piss her off today.
— Scott B. (@ScottwB46) September 10, 2017
7.
My wife and I both separately went to the grocery store hungry, and now we have 25 lbs of snacks
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 11, 2017
6.
Here, let me do that
-me when my wife is almost done with some chore
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 31, 2017
5.
ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 25, 2017
4.
I am never more attracted to my husband than when he's looking for a coupon before we go inside a restaurant.
— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) September 7, 2017
3.
Me [sits down to stack of pancakes and bacon]
Wife: What happened to eating healthier?
Me: Ugh. Fine. [puts single blueberry on pancake]— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 11, 2017
2.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 7, 2017
1.
Wife: *laughing uncontrollably* So THIS is your midlife crisis??
Me: *struggles to get out of a Mazda Miata*
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) September 11, 2017