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28 Thoughts Every Woman Has During Seriously Bad Intercourse

We’ve all been there–we meet a guy (or girl) we’re really feeling and we begin flirting and acting cheeky. Before we know it, there’s sexual tension in the air between us and we can’t help but think what it’d be like to get in bed with them.
All that sexual tension builds up and by the time we’re ripping each other’s clothes off in the sack, all of our wildest fantasies start to come full-frontal in our minds. But, unfortunately, not everyone lives up to the expectations we set for them–it’s a good life lesson to learn, quick. Some people are so bad in bed, it’s quite possibly one of the biggest letdowns we find thus far in our lives.

I’m talking real. bad. sex. Not just the “oh, maybe it’ll be better next time, it was just the first time.” I’m talking they have no idea how to throw a lay down in the bedroom. *tisk tisk* It’s truly sad. If you’re a lady who has had a really bad lay in their life, trust me when I say, you’ll say “same” to each and every thought.

1. What happened to all of that dirty talk we had? Did you forget how long you said you’d go down on me?

2. Someone teach this poor soul about the wonders of foreplay.

3. Do you need a map to find the little man in the canoe?

4. I wonder if I have any leftovers left in the fridge to eat later. Ugh, I hope there’s still fried rice.

5. MY CLIT IS NOT A CHEW TOY. GOD DAMNNIT.

6. Do I have to count them towards my body count if I don’t even enjoy it?

7. Will he be offended if I ask him if it’s in yet?

8. I think you need to reinvest in a ruler. Or 4th-grade math.

9. It can’t be in.

10. Oh, it’s in…ok…cool?

11. You need a new mattress. This squeaky box isn’t doing it for you. Or me.

12. WRONG HOLE. W.R.O.N.G. H.O.L.E.

13. Who even humps like this? What kind of porn does this kid watch? Stop jackhammering me.

14. Maybe if I fake it, he’ll stop.

15. Is he faking it, or does he really sound like a small poodle in pain?

16. I wonder how long it will take ABC to put up the new Grey’s Anatomy episode for streaming.

17. I could really use a Snickers. Or cookie dough ice cream.

18. Oh, we’re still going.

19. Boy, do not give me a hickey. We are not 16 and I have a real job.

20. Did I turn off my straightener?

21. Leg cramp. LEG CRAMP.

22. Yes, please, let’s do doggy so I don’t have to look at your thrusting face anymore.

23. I can still masturbate when I get home.

24. Oh no.

25. Here come the vinegar strokes.

26. What kind of face is that?!?

27. TGTIO: Thank God This Is Over.

28. Please lose my number.