In our culture, there is still a lot of sexism surrounding childbirth and parental leave. Put aside the fact that mothers are often expected to be back at work in a ridiculously short amount of time — fathers are assumed to not even need to be around at all. Of course, we know this is not what families want. Families want ample time to recover and bond with their children.
On Reddit, one woman expected her boyfriend to spend his three weeks of paternity leave at her side. But his mother had a different idea.
“I’m 37 weeks pregnant now and my boyfriend took 3 weeks off work to stay with me so that we can adjust to being parents to a newborn. This is my first and I’m very nervous and really need the support right now,” the OP writes.
“My boyfriend’s mother took it upon herself to schedule a ‘paternity vacation’ for my boyfriend for the last two weeks of his leave. She came over for dinner and surprised him with it. It’s an all expense paid vacation to Italy for my boyfriend as his paternity present. She gave me a jade stoned bracelet and a matching newborn one for the baby as it’s part of their culture to give the family stone to the mother and child once they enter the family. That was very kind of her.”
“However I told her that his leave was for helping with the baby. She was taken aback and said that he would be with me for a week and that was long enough. Her husband never even stayed at the hospital with her when her son was born.”
“I told her and my boyfriend that I didn’t want him to go and that she should have asked first before buying such an extraordinary gift. She left in tears because I was ‘ungrateful’ and ruining her son’s experience. My boyfriend pretty much agrees that he should go for at least a week because she paid for it but I really wanted him to stay with me and bond with our daughter. AITA?”
No. It’s really important for the father to participate in the first few weeks if they can. Firstly, it’s incredibly sexist to even use terms like “maternity” and “paternity” — it should be “parental” leave, and it should be much longer than a few weeks. Mom needs help healing, and the baby needs help and bonding time. Stop putting the burden on mothers to do this alone. It’s insane.
“NTA at all, what am asinine idea! A vacation AWAY from his one week old baby? What in the literal f*ck was his mother thinking?” asked
“Generational trauma from the norm being that a father’s only responsibility in child care and housework is to go to work and provide financially. Anything else was gravy but too much and the mother was a failure of a woman for making the father do that. Only thing I can think of to explain besides crazy a**hole. Though, both might be true,” suggested
“Oof. NTA. What a presumptuous gift, and the fact that your boyfriend didn’t immediately turn it down is unsettling. Guilt about something he never asked for should never come before his responsibility to you as a partner and to your newborn as a father. Your response was reasonable and not at all ungrateful. I hope your boyfriend can grow a pair and put his foot down with his mom,” said
“NTA She sounds like a complete out of touch idiot. She left in tears? How fragile and close minded is she? Does your boyfriend want to leave you alone with his new born baby? I just got off paternity leave months ago and nothing could have pulled me away from helping / bonding with my new born baby. Furthermore , you are going to be tired and very sore after birth (not trying to scare you) it’s not acceptable at all for him to leave. I’m not even involved at all and I’m so mad for you,” said
“NTA. People’s responses to this may vary according to culture, but in my culture, you shouldn’t even have had to speak up. Your boyfriend should have stepped in, gratefully declined, politely educated his mother about how he wanted to spend these three weeks (and there’s only one right answer — with you!), and helped her find a way to get the tickets refunded or the vacation deferred if at all possible,” said
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