Having babies can be a truly beautiful experience. For one, you have just created life—congratulations. But, as your children grow up, they turn into small little a**holes who say things without any filter and embarrass you in public. Toddlers are a rare breed of children that love to go straight off the deep end and land head-first into a wall. It’s truly outrageous. Parents on Reddit have banned together to make each other feel as though their kids are not that bad by sharing what their own children have said to embarrass them in public. Ouch, folks, it’s real.
Carrying my daughter back from the bathroom through a crowded hipster brunch spot while she shouted ‘HE FARTED!!’ at every single table. In case there was any confusion she was also pointing at my face.
After his little sister was born my toddler announce to the parking garage that she, “came out of mommy’s magina!” So that was nice …
I was in target with my 4 year old boy twins. One has a nervous habit of grabbing his parts. I quietly said to him “let go, hands off dude” and he yells at the top of his lungs “BUT MAMA MY PENIS WONT GO DOWN!” I don’t think I’ve ever left target so fast.
When my cousin was about 2 she still occasionally took baths with her mom, my aunt. One night we’re at their house for dinner, out of nowhere, she blurts out at my uncle, “Daddy, you got hair on your peepee, too?!” And that was the first and only time in my life I nearly required the Heimlich maneuver.
My son came home from kindergarten with his backpack full of canned food. When pressed about the issue he confidently stated that he had told the teacher he was hungry and we didn’t have any food at home! They had sent him home with the donations for those in need!! We got him to return the food the next day… Its a funny story we tell now but talk about embarrassed!!!
Disclaimer: this was not my toddler, but a toddler said this to me while I was waiting in the grocery line: “I have a vagina and new party shoes!”
Really, what else do you need?
At a fairly nice restaurant my brother was teasing my daughter, and my daughter screamed at him to stop and threatened to call him the N word.
(The N word was nipple)
My wife had my 3 year old at the park one day. She decided to pick up some litter to make the park look nicer so she was throwing away pop bottles, chip bags etc and he wanted to help.
He stoops to pick up some cigarette butts and my wife says leave those to mommy (she wasn’t going to pick them up but didn’t want him to touch them either).
A few minutes later he has gone to play. He tells another mom, “I’m finding cigarettes for mommy”.
My wife was so embarrassed and said she got the dirtiest looks from near by parents who heard this.
So my younger brother was 5/6 years old. My dad was coaching my basketball team (was in 7th grade) and my brother came along to hang out at the practice. Now my brother has Asperger’s so of course at that age social awareness is non-existent. There are a few black kids on the team and my brother was learning about Martin Luther King Jr. as it was around the time of the holiday. So his brain is processing.
During the practice my brother is standing under the basket as we’re doing lay up lines. All of a sudden as one of the black kids goes past him my brother goes, “Are you an African-American?” and my friend chuckles and goes “Uh, yeah” and my brother with a completely dead serious face and tone just goes
“I knew it.”
Whole team was rolling on the floor laughing.
I was in Costco and my son (who was about 5 at the time) ran up to me, grabbed my hand and started pulling me towards the next aisle. “Dad! Dad! Look! Real ninjas!” Whilst pointing at two women in full Burkas.
After watching 101 Dalmatians the day before, I was grocery shopping with my daughter. We crossed paths with an old Lady in a somewhat dirty church suit and tons of makeup with sloppy red lipstick. My daughter points at her and says, “daddy, that’s a bad lady”. The lady did kind of look like Cruela DeVille.
When I was little (under 5) my dad would jokingly ask if I wanted a cold beer. I would always respond with “no.” Until one day when we were in the grocery store, he asked if I wanted anything, to which I replied: “a cold beer” while we were standing in line.
Was eating at a Chinese restaurant when the waiter and the cook were having a discussion in Chinese. 8 yr old daughter yells out “WHY THEY SPEAKING SPANISH?” Embarrassing to say the least. Went back a couple of months later and the waiter remembered us cause after taking our orders he says “ I’ll return andele’ “
When my son was 4, and watched Space Jam, he thought every black man was Michael Jordan. When we would go somewhere, he would point at every black man he saw and yell “Michael Jordan!”
Took my 3 year old to Disneyworld. Of course after about an hour in the park, both I and the offspring have to go to the bathroom. We head off to one of the main bathrooms right next to the castle. I let the boy go first (he performed a nice quick dump complete with the customary “Good Job” from me as we were still reinforcing the potty training mantras…) then I of course sit down and perform my own glorious #2 complete with a nice “squeaky door” fart which had the offspring in hysterics. At this point the child starts saying in a voice that can only be described as booming “GOOD JOB DADDY! YOU’RE THE BEST POOPER I KNOW!”
My youngest sibling is 10+ years my junior, so I grew up with him embarrassing me in public.
The worst was around Christmas one year when we went to Walmart after going to a church service. The service was about the virgin birth and how no other virgin had ever had a baby before. My brother was probably about 4-5 at the time, so while he didn’t know exactly what made someone a virgin, that service taught him virgins couldn’t have babies.
Anyway, we’re in the check out line and behind us is a woman who is obviously pregnant. My brother points to her and says very loudly, “Look, that lady isn’t a virgin”!
Me and my 3 y.o were at my moms house & to get her to leave I told her, cmon we have to go home and take a shower, to make her laugh I said we need a shower because our bums are stinky
Later when we got home in a full elevator, my daughter turns to me and says, ” Mom you need to shower because your bum is stinky”
I was mortified.
Daughter was practicing ballet. Me and my 4 year old son were in the room behind the glass which is full of families watching and waiting. I was showing my son youtube videos to keep him calm. He says “Why are we watching naked spiderman videos”?
My friends daughter (~2.5 y/o) saw another kid in the grocery store with a toy truck, and out of nowhere says “I want that fuckin’ truck…” in an angry tone
Not the funniest thing to read, I know, but we’ve been saying that in a baby voice for the last few years and it always cracks us up.
Not me but my midwife.
Pregnant with second child, three year old daughter asks why mummy’s belly is so big. She’s told there’s a baby in there.
She turns to daddy and asks “do you have a baby in there too?” Dad replies gently “No, I’m just fat!”
A few days later in the checkout line and there’s a very large lady behind them in the line.
The little girl asks the lady “Do you have a baby in your tummy like my mummy?”
The lady is kind and just says no she doesn’t, to which the girl responds “oh just fat then?”
Not really embarrassing but my son once announced to daycare that I had died. It was a severe shock to them when I picked him up.
Now my niece once announced at a family dinner that she wanted a fuck, loudly. We all turned and looked at this little 3 year old and her mother said she’d work on speech therapy with her as she handed her daughter a FORK.