Women Share The Dumbest Things A Guy Has Said After Sex (21 Stories)

I’ve always wanted to say “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED”


Sex is an extremely intimate thing. And when you’re in an intimate moment, some words may just fall out.

That’s what happened to these women Redditors when user Pity-Pinoy asked:

“Ladies on Reddit, what was the dumbest thing a guy said after sex?”

The answers are quite a collection of sentences. Ranging from funny to actually dumb, they all have one thing in common: they are funny as hell. Here are 20 of the best.

1. Tsunami

I have a tattoo of the world on my back. This guy was fucking me doggy style and pulled out to come on my back. He then exclaimed, “woah, there’s a tsunami in Australia!” I fell on my face laughing so hard.


2. Brothers

OOOH boy… I was hooking up with this guy in his on-campus apartment, which he shared with his brother. Brother wasn’t home, so we were doing the do with the bedroom door open (not smart anyway). Brother comes home in the middle of it, sees straight through the hallway into the room. He fumbles around and then leaves.

I’m embarrassed and kinda want to get outta there but he wants to finish so I think what the hell, his brother left anyway so why not. I wonder if he’s close to cumming so I ask, “are you close?” And he responds with, “Yeah, we’re brothers”


3. “You’re welcome”

He said “Alexa, play you’re welcome” and the speakers from each side of his bed began to serenade us with Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s voice as Maui from Moana. Luckily we both got a pretty good laugh out of it


4. Not that kind of sex ed

I gave a dude a blowjob and apparently he’d never come from one before (who knows If that was true)

Anyway, after he goes, “oh my god. That was amazing. I thought there was something wrong with me. You need to have daughters

Yes, my mother taught me about sex, birth control, and how to suck dick.


5. Say what?

He told me, with all the sincerity in the world as some weird complement: “You would make a great single mother.”


6. Hidden vape

“Mind if I hit this?” And then he pulled out a vape pen he’d hidden under the bed. My bed. Specifically for this reason.


7. “Thanks?:

I had sex with a guy I dated for a few months and afterwards he said “your vagina is smaller than other vaginas I’ve had sex with.”

I just responded with “thanks?” I wasn’t sure if it was a compliment, criticism, or a mere observation.


8. Excuse me?

“I think I miss my ex…”


9. Celebration

He played, “I Just Had Sex” by the Lonely Island while on the phone with his best friend. With me still in the bed …when we JUST lost our virginities to each other.


10. Would not have guess in a million years

I was snuggling with my boyfriend in the afterglow and I looked up at him and asked, “What are you thinking about?” Thinking he would say something sweet. This bxtch deadass looks down at me and says “Mudflaps.”


11. Showoff

His window was open during the deed & when we got done he closed it and said “I really hope someone heard that”


12. Diligent

He didn’t say it, but afterwards he grabbed his phone and went on a tracking app and tracked that he had sex that day.


13. Birdbrain

My boyfriend’s brain goes into this weird hyperfocus mode as soon as he comes so I’ll be laying on him catching my breath hoping to continue the fun, and he’ll blurt out something like “I ordered some things to put in my yard to attract crows, I hope they like them. I’ve done a lot of research on attracting and befriending crows. But I wonder if they’d prefer something more like a game, or some kind of water feature?”


14. Ok?

Cuddling in the afterglow, him gazing adoringly at my nude body…whispers…”I’ve just never seen boobs as small as yours.”


15. LOL

Whoopsie daisy! after he finished too quickly.


16. Spongebob fan

Not so much after but during, but the very first time I had sex with my ex (we were both virgins at the time), he straight up said “are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?”

I stayed with him about a year after that so I guess I was feeling it


17. Not how that works

I was cuddling a guy after sex one time and he told me he was “leaking testosterone all over me”


18. At least he’s not a crier

My ex belly-laughed incredibly loud for like 30 seconds after we finished the first time. It turned out that climaxing just had that affect on him. It was cute and always made me bring my A game. I wanted to get a big laugh always.


19. Nope

After sex, my guy collapsed on top of me. When he pulled back, our sweaty chests somehow made a small suction squelch noise. His romantic next words? “Hehehe boob farts.” -.- he laughed so hard at my reaction he snorted.


20. Handy husband

Not dumbest but by far funniest. My husband, back when we were dating, one night had asked for a handy. I was like sure yeah whatever. I started, and maybe a couple of minutes into it I realized I was set to end up with a mess and no way of cleaning without just running out of the room. I stopped and said “brb!” And ran to grab a box of tissues from the living room. We finish and I grab a tissue and clean my hand up and he gives me this stupid look and says “Guess those tissues really came in handy eh?” I still laugh about it. It was dumb and personally I thought hilarious.


21. Um, no

Me: *gives blowjob*

Guy: did you cum babe?


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Lead image: Flickr