If Your Partner Always Does These 6 Things During Arguments, Therapists Say The Relationship Is In Serious Trouble
Arguments happen in every relationship. But there’s a difference between healthy conflict and destructive patterns that predict relationship failure. If your partner consistently uses certain tactics during disagreements—not occasionally, but as their standard approach—relationship therapists recognize these as serious warning signs.
These aren’t about having bad days or losing temper once. They’re about consistent patterns that indicate fundamental problems with how your partner handles conflict, accountability, and your emotional wellbeing.
Therapists studying relationship conflict patterns have identified specific behaviors that predict relationship failure with high accuracy. If you’re seeing these regularly, you’re not in normal relationship conflict. You’re in a pattern that’s destroying your connection.
1. Shuts down completely and refuses to engage
They go silent, walk away, or become completely unresponsive when you try to address issues. Not taking a break to cool down—that’s healthy. This is stonewalling: refusing to engage at all, treating your attempts at communication with silence or dismissal.
Research by John Gottman identifies stonewalling as one of the Four Horsemen—the conflict patterns that most reliably predict divorce. It’s emotional abandonment during moments when connection is most needed.
When someone consistently shuts down during conflict, they’re communicating that your concerns don’t merit response. It’s a power move disguised as withdrawal, and it makes resolution impossible.
2. Brings up your past mistakes to deflect from current issue
You’re trying to discuss something they did, and suddenly you’re defending yourself for something you did months or years ago. They deflect from accountability by redirecting to your imperfections.
This is called “kitchen sinking”—throwing everything including the kitchen sink into an argument to avoid addressing the actual issue. Research shows this derailing tactic makes resolution impossible because the conversation never stays focused.
Healthy partners address the current issue before moving to others. Partners who consistently deflect are avoiding accountability by ensuring nothing ever gets fully addressed.
3. Escalates emotionally to intimidate you into backing down
They don’t just get angry—they escalate to yelling, throwing things, slamming doors, or displaying aggression that makes you afraid to continue the conversation. The escalation is strategic: it trains you to avoid bringing up issues.
This is emotional intimidation, and it’s a form of control. Research on coercive control in relationships shows that using fear to end conversations is abuse, even when it doesn’t involve direct violence.
If you’re editing what you say or avoiding topics because you’re afraid of their emotional explosion, you’re not in a partnership. You’re managing someone who uses fear to maintain control.
4. Makes you comfort them for the thing you’re upset about
You express hurt or frustration, and suddenly they’re the victim. They cry, collapse, or become so distraught that you end up comforting them instead of addressing your concern. The conversation flips entirely.
This is called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Research shows this is a manipulation tactic that makes accountability impossible. You can’t hold someone accountable while simultaneously managing their emotional breakdown about being held accountable.
Occasional genuine remorse is different. But if this is their consistent pattern, they’re weaponizing vulnerability to avoid responsibility.
5. Insists on resolving it immediately on their timeline
They demand you discuss it right now, or they refuse to discuss it at all. Your need for space to process is treated as avoidance or punishment. The timing is entirely on their terms, regardless of your emotional state or readiness.
This is about control, not resolution. Research on healthy conflict timing shows that both partners need ability to request appropriate breaks. When one person controls all timing, they’re controlling the entire conflict process.
Healthy couples negotiate timing: “I need space right now, can we talk tonight?” Controlling partners demand immediate engagement or indefinite avoidance, both on their terms.
6. Never admits fault or apologizes without qualification
They won’t say “I’m sorry” without adding “but you…” or “if you hadn’t…” Every attempt at apology becomes defensive justification. They cannot take responsibility for their impact without explaining, minimizing, or redirecting blame.
This reveals inability or unwillingness to be accountable. Research shows that inability to apologize genuinely indicates either lack of empathy or such profound defensiveness that growth is impossible.
Real apologies acknowledge impact without qualification: “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Defensive non-apologies maintain the person’s righteousness while appearing to take responsibility.
If your partner consistently does several of these things—not once in a bad moment, but as their standard conflict approach—therapists would tell you this is serious. These patterns don’t improve without recognition and genuine commitment to change.
The question isn’t whether you have conflict. It’s whether conflict moves toward resolution or just creates more damage. These patterns create damage without possibility of resolution.
You can’t fix these patterns alone. Your partner would need to recognize them, take responsibility, and commit to changing—usually with professional help. Most people who use these tactics consistently don’t see them as problems because the tactics work to avoid accountability.
If you’re reading this and recognizing multiple patterns, trust what you’re seeing. You’re not imagining it. These are recognized warning signs that relationship professionals take seriously.
The relationship might not be fixable. And recognizing that isn’t giving up—it’s accepting that some patterns are too destructive to survive without fundamental change that may never come.
