I Didn’t Know I Was Raised By A Narcissist Until I Saw How Other Parents Treated Their Kids
You’re watching a friend interact with their parent—asking advice, sharing news, receiving genuine interest and support. Something about it feels foreign, almost uncomfortable. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s so different from your experience that you’re realizing for the first time: that’s what normal looks like. And your normal wasn’t normal at all.
Recognizing that you were raised by a narcissistic parent often doesn’t happen until adulthood when you have enough distance and comparison to see the patterns clearly. The damage was done so gradually, wrapped in enough moments of apparent care, that you didn’t realize you were being harmed.
Psychologists studying narcissistic parenting and long-term effects note that children of narcissists often don’t recognize the dysfunction until they observe healthy parent-child relationships and realize theirs was fundamentally different.
1. Your achievements were only valuable when they reflected well on them
They bragged about your accomplishments to others but never celebrated with you privately. Your success mattered because it made them look good as a parent, not because they were genuinely proud of you as a person.
Research on narcissistic parents shows they view children as extensions of themselves rather than separate people. Your achievements were their achievements. Your failures were embarrassments they had to manage.
When success brings public praise for them but private indifference for you, you learn that your worth is in what you produce for their image, not in who you are.
2. You were the parent’s emotional support system
They came to you with their problems, their feelings, their relationship issues. You comforted them, managed their moods, mediated their conflicts. You were the adult in the relationship long before you should have been.
This is called emotional incest or covert incest—when a parent uses a child to meet emotional needs that should be met by adults. Research shows this creates profound boundary confusion and difficulty developing separate identity.
You learned your job was managing their emotions while yours went unattended. That pattern persists in adult relationships where you’re still the caretaker while your needs remain invisible.
3. Your feelings were wrong whenever they were inconvenient
When you were upset about something they did, you were “too sensitive.” When you were angry, you were “overreacting.” When you were hurt, you were “making too big a deal of it.” Your emotions were only acceptable when they didn’t create discomfort for the narcissistic parent.
This is emotional invalidation, and it teaches you that your internal experiences can’t be trusted. You learned to doubt your own feelings and defer to their interpretation of reality.
As an adult, you still struggle to trust your emotional responses. You second-guess yourself constantly because you were taught your feelings are unreliable.
4. Love was conditional on meeting their needs
Affection, attention, and approval came when you were useful, compliant, or making them look good. When you asserted independence, had different opinions, or prioritized your needs, warmth was withdrawn. You learned that love is something you earn through performance, not something you receive for existing.
Research shows conditional regard from parents creates deep insecurity about worthiness. You believe at core levels that you’re only valuable when you’re convenient, successful, or meeting others’ needs.
You contort yourself in relationships because you still believe that love requires constant earning through perfect behavior.
5. They competed with you rather than supporting you
When you got attention, they needed to redirect it to themselves. When you succeeded, they had to be more successful. When you shared good news, they either minimized it or immediately shared their own bigger news. You weren’t their child—you were their rival.
Narcissistic parents can’t handle their children outshining them. Research shows they often sabotage or diminish children’s accomplishments to maintain superiority.
You learned that success threatens people, so you started hiding achievements or downplaying abilities to avoid triggering others’ jealousy.
6. You can’t remember them genuinely apologizing for anything
When they hurt you, you got defensive explanations, blame-shifting, or non-apologies like “I’m sorry you were hurt.” But you can’t recall them ever taking full responsibility: “I was wrong. I hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Narcissists can’t genuinely apologize because that requires admitting fault, which threatens their self-image. Research shows inability to apologize authentically is hallmark of narcissistic personality.
You grew up learning that adults don’t have to be accountable and that asking for apologies makes you unreasonable. You still struggle to expect accountability from others.
7. Your boundaries were treated as betrayal
Setting any limit—saying no, having privacy, spending time away from them—was met with guilt, anger, or punishment. Your independence was framed as rejection. Your need for separation was treated as you being difficult or ungrateful.
Narcissistic parents view children’s boundaries as threats to their control. Research on enmeshment and narcissism shows they require complete access and view any autonomy as abandonment.
As an adult, you still feel guilty setting boundaries because you learned that protecting yourself equals hurting others.
8. The narrative of your childhood doesn’t match your actual experience
They tell stories about what a happy childhood you had, how close you were, how much they sacrificed. But your memories are different—lonely, tense, walking on eggshells. They’ve rewritten history, and sometimes you wonder if you’re misremembering.
This is gaslighting about the past. Narcissists create narratives that serve their image regardless of truth. Research shows this makes victims doubt their own memories and experiences.
You struggle to trust your recollection of your childhood because they’ve insisted so convincingly that it was different from what you remember.
If most of these signs resonate, you’re not imagining it. You were raised by someone who used you to meet their own needs while teaching you that your needs, feelings, and separate existence were problems to be managed.
Understanding this doesn’t erase the damage, but it does provide context. You’re not broken, difficult, or overly sensitive. You adapted to impossible situation where love was conditional, feelings were wrong, and your job was managing a parent’s ego and emotions.
The patterns persist because they were installed so early they feel like personality rather than learned responses. But they are learned. And what was learned can, with work, be unlearned.
You deserved parents who saw you as separate person worthy of unconditional love. You didn’t get that. But understanding what happened is first step toward giving yourself what they couldn’t.