Something I have to assume men don’t bother to learn is the fact that changing your last name costs a woman money. Oh, it doesn’t cost us a penny to change it TO your name, but to change it FROM after a divorce? Yeah, that costs REAL CASH.
So with that in mind, imagine the actual gall u/namechangethrowaway0‘s ex spouse must have to ask this woman to shell out cash of her own to remove his last name. Here is her story:
So this just happened and I’m not sure how I feel.
My ex and I divorced 12 years ago. We have two children and share custody. We have a great coparenting relationship and have had zero issues with anything since our divorce. My ex met his now wife five years ago and we get along good as well. She is a good stepmom to my children and she treats them like they are her own. I have remained single by choice because I spend most of my time at work or with my children. I date occasionally but I am not looking for anything serious.
OP explains that the divorce is over a decade old and they coparent well; she also gets along with her husband’s new wife. All seems well.
My ex and his wife were married two weeks ago and I am very happy for both of them. I think it’s great that they finally made it official and that they found happiness with each other.
The ex and his new wife recently got married and OP was happy for them. Until this exchange:
Tonight my exes wife texted me the following:
Her: So I think now that me and (ex) are married you should change your name. After all there can be only one Mrs. (exes last name). (Smiley emoji)
Me: Hi (wife’s name). I hope you are both doing well. I’m a little confused as to why I would need to change my name.
The new wife texted OP and asked OP to change her last name because the new wife “should be the only one with his last name”.
Her: Because we are married now and I’m his wife. I should be the only one with his last name.
Me: Ex and I have not been married for over 12 years. The reason I did not change my name is due to all my professional certifications and licenses. Ex and I agreed when we got divorced that it was too much of a hassle to change everything and I would keep my last name the same to avoid the stress and headache of having to do that.
OP did the kindness of explaining what a damn headache that would create and why she and the ex chose to leave the surname as is.
Her: Well that changes now. You WILL change your name immediately.
The new wife then DEMANDED OP change her name. OP just left it until her ex called and wanted to know what happened.
I didn’t respond to the last text she sent and after about 10 minutes my ex called me and demanded to know why I upset her. I sent him screenshots of the texts and my replies and told him that this entire conversation is ridiculous and immature.
OP sent screenshots, the ex said maybe she SHOULD change her name, but OP continued to say no.
He told me that maybe I should just change my name so he doesn’t have to deal with the drama. I told him I refuse. I said that again we agreed during the divorce I wouldn’t change my name, and even if I wanted to, most of the state offices and courts are closed where we live and it would be near impossible to do.
I told my ex that we haven’t been married for 12 years, I have zero romantic feelings for him and that the only reason I have maintained a relationship with him is because of our children. I told him that they are our priority and we need to all get along to raise them as good coparents. I told him that changing my name won’t make me any less my kids mother or his ex wife and that unfortunately new wife needs to deal with it.
The ex’s closer was that OP was “making his life difficult”. Lord.
He told me I was making his life difficult and wishes I would reconsider.
AITA for not wanting to change my name?
Update:
Thank you all for the overwhelming support. It truly means a lot. I thought maybe I was being unreasonable, but I see now that this is very common.
In an update, OP explains that in addition to all the reasons listed above, her kids also share the surname. It makes life easier.
My children and I all have the same last name and that is again a reason I don’t want to change it. While our oldest no longer lives at home (he’s in the army) my youngest and I make frequent trips overseas to visit him whenever possible. So having the same name on our passports is easier.
It’s also WILDLY inconvenient to change the name. And costs thousands. It’s a PITA. It “makes her life difficult”. So… nope.
I also looked into the time and cost to do the name change last night. I would have to have a formal court hearing with a judge and have a signed and sealed decree to change it at DMV and social security. The courts here are closed due to obvious reasons and are only hearing emergent matters. So my name change would be delayed. Not to mention the cost of this will be in the thousands and that includes the reprinting of all my degrees and certifications, new office letterheads, business cards, updating to the state list for my profession and my malpractice insurance. This will not be an easy process.
I think I am going to address this with my ex husband in a few weeks when all parties have had a chance to calm down and reflect a little. I think that there may be some underlying issue at play.
OP, bless her, has a head on her shoulder and notes that there may be something more going on and wants to have a chat when cooler heads prevail.
And for those who asked, the reason for the divorce was infidelity on his part. I was working two jobs and putting myself through school and he felt ignored. So he decided to cheat and I decided to get rid of 250 pounds of dead weight. (Smiley face)
