Dan Wilbur
Being a good host, according to the Ancient Greeks, was an act revered by the Gods. That’s why so much of the Odyssey is about treating people nicely before getting on with what a character has to say.
Guests, on the other hand, often do not show any respect for their host.
There are no rules, it seems. But there should be. That’s why the Suitors living in Odysseus’ house needed to be killed. Not because they tried to seduce his wife, but because they had their dirty feet on the couch and kept eating all his food. It’s true. Look it up.
Today, the same holds true. Before you can kick your shoes off with an old friend and break out the board games, you need to tell them where the towels are, and where to find coffee and soap in the morning. But, guests often take advantage of the goodwill their hosts show them. Case in point, every horror story on this list.
They’re not bad people, necessarily. They are, however bad guests.
These are the worst example of how people acted while staying over at another person’s home:
1. Be nice to all the people who live in the house, please.
“One of my ex’s douche buddies brought over this horrible girl he just started dating. I have a good amount of cats, and they are al insanely friendly. My old man kitty, Buddy, jumped up on the armrest of the couch she was sitting on to check out the newcomer and get some pets. Without missing a beat she shoved him hard to the floor and made a loud “UCK!” Sound.
I stood right up, pointed to the door, and sternly said “He lives here. You don’t. Leave.” Probably not as bad as most here, but it infuriated me. She was was never allowed back.” –BroffaloSoldier
2. She’s bad news.
“Lost my friend of 30 years over this: He brings a woman over for a small get together. She encourages my pregnant wife to drink, asks our friend if she’s bisexual (she’s not). She comes into the kitchen, grabs knives and pretends to stab everyone while doing knife Katas.
Later she chases the not bisexual friend all over the house in what to all of us felt very rapey– I physically stop her by grabbing her wrists and say “What the hell is going on with you?” She replies, “Go ahead, break my wrists.”
The not bisexual friend (who was so upset she took a self-defense course) made up an excuse to stay in the bathroom for an hour.
We had a fire outside where the weird guest remarked, “There are three things you can watch forever, a river flowing, fire burning, and someone being hurt.”
My friend of 30 years saw no problem with any of this behavior, married her, and I’ve not heard from him in a year nor do I wish to. I saw him in the supermarket with his now pregnant wife– and slipped out. I assume at some point she will murder him.” –chetsnaker
3. Don’t feed the fish (booze).
“Someone at a party dumped a cup of vodka in my fish tank because “your fish look bored! hahaha!” … I kicked everyone out and had to change out all the water before they died.” –Murky-Purple
4. Don’t poop where you eat.
“My sister and one of her friends were over. Her friend had brought her kid. He was about 7. We left him watching tv in the living room while we had coffee in the other room. Later that evening, I sat on the couch and smelled something absolutely disgusting. I looked behind the couch (it was one of those curved ones that goes into a corner and leaves a nook behind it) and saw a huge pile of diarrhea. It had already fused with the carpet. I had to cut the entire corner of carpet away while wearing a dust mask sprayed with cologne.
That kid shit on my carpet.” –Amithrius
5. Wetting all the beds.
“Friends of a relative stayed the night at our place with their kids while we were out of town. We asked if the children wet the bed so we could put plastic sheets down. They were confident the kids wouldn’t wet the bed so we let it be. We come home to find 2 of the beds (new matresses) soaked in piss – not even stripped or changed. The kids had wet the bed in the night, moved to another bed and wet again. 3 weeks later we found used diapers under one of the beds. Never said thank you, never said sorry.” –Schlepti
6. I don’t remember doing that. Hmmm.
“I was having a house party years ago. A pair of girls went into the bathroom together. Not uncommon. Well, one of them decided to take a piss in my sink and accidentally dropped a loaf. They come out laughing and telling everyone someone must have shit in my sink. I was literally the last person in that bathroom before them. I even watched them walk in. And I don’t remember shitting in my own sink. After confronting them, they got pissed off and left. Didn’t even bother cleaning the turd out of my sink.” –shitterplug
7. This is just strange behavior.
“Roommate’s boyfriend comes over drunk. Roommate was not there but he said he wanted to wait for her, and we were too non-confrontational to make him leave. After a while, he goes into the bathroom and we can hear lots of splashing around, but again, too timid to ask wtf is going on in there. He comes out, sits down, and we notice his arms are completely covered in black marker. Then he says “you might want to clean up the bathroom. there is water all over in there.” and leaves.
He had taken a fucking black sharpie, colored his arms, then tried cleaning it off and when it wouldn’t come off he got the marker wet and splashed black sharpie water all over the entire bathroom. There were puddles of purple sharpie water all over the floor. It stained the linoleum and, despite our roommate’s attempts to clean it up, we ended up losing security deposit money over it.
He was no longer allowed over without her there.” –HotDishEnthusiast
8. Good work, lady.
“My brothers girlfriend took a two hour shower with the shower curtain outside of the tub and flooded our upstairs bathroom. The water eventually started pouring out from the light fixtures in our kitchen.” –willdabeastest
9. Like… frequently? More than once?
“A stranger decided he would cum on my futon at my college house.” –Guy_Fieri_69
10. At least fix the bed.
“Oh, I have one. NYE 2017. A male friend from out of town asked to stay in my spare bedroom with his new girlfriend. No problem for me, as I have 3 spares. We party as a group at a local bar and Uber home separately. I go to bed alone and as i am passing by his room I hear him and his girlfriend talking in their room.
I needed to pee and take my contacts out, so I opened the door to the bathroom only to find a stark naked woman drinking water, holding onto the sink for dear life! I simply shut the door and went into my room. I realized she was the woman he had a one night stand with 2 weeks prior….in that spare bedroom. She finishes her water and marches into their bedroom. They end up having the noisiest threesome I have ever heard. To be fair, it was the only threesome I have ever heard.
To make matters worse, they tell me in the morning the bed is broken. The three of them thrusted the wooden bed frame to pieces!
It is June and I am still Gorilla gluing planks together.” –Afrack04
11. Kids do the darnedest things.
“I used to host extravagant yearly parties at my house as a thank you to everyone who worked for me. Significant others were fine, but I stressed that young kids were not welcome, because it was an adult party and the house/garden just weren’t child-friendly.
One of the guests who’s a mother decided to bring her 4 children anyway, all under the age of 12, and leave them completely unattended. I walked into my master bedroom halfway through to find they had filled a dirt hole in the garden with water from a hose, made goopy mud pies, stomped around in them, come back inside and crawled into my bed under the covers, and ground their shoes intentionally into my pillow and all the bedding. They also took all the clothes out of my closet, put them on, threw them on the floor and stepped on those, and ruined two rugs on the way.
The mom’s response: ‘Haha! Well, that’s just how kids are, you know. You’ll understand once you decide to finally grow up and have some.'” –ReshKayden
12. Change your look wherever you are.
“I once had a guest shave his entire beard at a party. It was the first time me or my roomate met him. He had a beard, and then went and used my roomates razor to shave it off.” –BartlebyFpv
13. Sit down, please.
“I had a friend who had some kind of fucked up urethra. It made him have multiple streams when he pissed. But he fucking REFUSED to sit down and pee, because ‘that’s for women’. He apparently also refused to clean up after himself.
Everytime he left my house, without fail, I’d have to use a mop to clean up his piss. I called him out on it, and he laughed like I should be laughing with him. We weren’t friends long.” –ToTheMunAndBack
14. I also would like to do this.
“My friend’s autistic son completely disassembled my VCR in the middle of the night. (This was in the early 90s)” –WhiskeyInSpace
15. The party thrower.
“We were going on a trip and we told a family friend he could crash at our house while we gone but he would have to take care of things and pay for his own food and such. Halfway throughour trip we get a call from the police. Apparently he threw a huge party which trashed the house, then proceeded to take one of our cars and drive it through the front of the house, totalling the car and collapsing most of the front wall.
This was last week. We had to cut our trip short and come home to deal with this. We are currently in the process of pressing charges.” -anonymous
16. Keeping it in the family.
“My uncle and his two sons moved in with my family.
Youngest son: chill kid, works, and pays rent to my mom. Nothing wrong with him.
Uncle: takes older sons disability money to pay for his and the eldest’s rent instead of his own money, treats my mom like shit (my dad -his brother- let’s him because he is also a piece of shit)
Oldest son: mental health issues, starts stealing items from around the house to pay for his drug addiction (including 2 high end keyboards), attempts to sneak into sisters room while she sleeps, breaks into neighbors house, caught on the second try, sets fire to our back yard and finally gets picked up by cops and is sent with his mother so he can finally be properly medicated and taken care of.
It’s been a hell of a year folks.” –Rockabillyz
17. Who steals those?
“When I was young, a kid from down the street was round my house. We were messing about in my room, he saw my Digimon cards and started going through them. We then went out side to play. While kicking a ball about on my drive a load of Digimon cards fell out of his pocket. I went over to look at them, of course they were mine.
I looked at him, his face was red, obviously embarrassed. I calmly picked up all the cards, without a word & took them inside my house. Went back out to play, like nothing ever happened. Thinking back on it now, WHO THE FUCK STEALS DIGIMON CARDS! THEY WEREN’T EVEN POPULAR!” –PIG_HEART_BOY
18. Careful where you puke.
“Had a Girlfriend of a good friend pass out on my couch… Puked herself overnight. I assume she woke up in a panic and cleaned it up, however she didn’t realize the puke had seeped down between the sections of my couch into an air return vent for our heater. Only after the entire house smelled like puke did she fess up and tell us what happened. Pretty nasty, crusty clean-up.” –whoisapoop
19. Don’t dye.
“Dyed her hair red in our bathroom sink – staining the brand new granite countertop, then dripped onto the new tile floor, then dripped onto the hardwood floor in the hallway, and ultimately slept in our guest bed with wet, freshly dyed red hair – staining the sheets and pillowcase.” –a_knows_best
20. Why, though?
“My friend is an artist who lives in a big warehouse. One night he had a big show with a whole bunch of people coming over to see his art. After everyone left he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He noticed something dark in his toothpaste tube and and investigated further. Shit. Someone had taken the cap off his toothpaste and smeared shit on the inside where the toothpaste comes out.” –Meatheaded
21. Everywhere is a toilet when you’re drunk.
“In college, my roommates and I had a relatively small house party. Around 3 AM, almost everyone was sleeping or went home. Someone shit in our dryer AND TURNED IT ON. Oh God, the smell. Never found out who it was and ended up having to buy a new dryer.” –dpgrizz83
22. Please get up and make me breakfast.
“I had a really spoiled princess-type friend who always expected me to cater to her when she would come visit (I didn’t really want her to visit, but she’d just announce she was coming and I dealt with it).
One morning she texted me to wake me up, saying “Can you please get up and make me breakfast?”
I wish I could say that was the last straw, but it wasn’t until she pitched a fit that I didn’t make her a bridesmaid and boycotted my wedding that I finally called it quits.” –ColorMeStunned
23. Not what a bathroom is for.
“The front door to my house has a key code instead of a standard key lock. A few years ago i was away from home and my buddy texted me asking for the code because he had forgotten a sweater or something at my house a few days prior. It wasn’t a big deal, i’ve known him since middle school, and he’s one of my best friends.
I told him just to go in because my other roommate was gone for the night. I get a call around midnight from my friend, he was fucked up, and told me that he had some people over at MY house and it got a little out of hand, and it had turned into a full blown party. I was so fucking mad, but i couldn’t get home till the next day. My place was pretty wrecked, and i found a bunch of weird shit in my bathroom. Cut up soda cans, baking soda etc. I called my friend to see what the fuck happened, and i guess some dude was cooking crack in my bathroom.” –StrungoutScott
24. Pack it up.
“He let my new very old, very deaf foster dog out of the gate on purpose and the dog took off up the street. He just stood there smirking while I grabbed my shoes and keys and after i shouted at him for being a moron, he told me that it was for the best and maybe I should focus my time on other things. I eventually caught up to the terrified and exhausted dog and brought her back home. Told guest to pack his bags.” –ComfyInDots
25. Rude.
“A little over a year ago, I arrive home to some kid hanging out in the kitchen with my dad. Apparently the kid got in a big fight with his mom and basically ran away and decided to knock on my door. The kid claimed to be friends with my younger, high-school aged brother. My dad fed the kid and talked to him, consulting him on his situation with his mom. He ended up letting him stay the night and told him he could borrow a bike to get home the next day.
My dad was super nice to him. Well the next day comes along and I’m at home because I worked from home at the time. I come up to the living room to find him hanging out there with some random girl and another random guy. Neither of these kids are friends with my brother, and the problem-child is apparently only an acquaintance. He ends up spending the whole day at my hosue with these kids while my parents are at work, eating our food and just making a mess of the place. Eventually my dad gets home and tells him he has to get out and to borrow the bike if he needs to get home. We never saw the bike again. He claimed it was stolen. Fuck that kid.” –JustKeepDrinking
26. A little off.
“My roommate had a friend who was akin to Lennie in Of Mice and Men, just not a smart guy, super slow, no idea how he made it through his teen years at this point. This guy is over all the time and constantly doing stupid shit mostly while doing drugs or just not thinking ahead of time. Well, I had a cat that was sort of pushed on me by someone else because they couldn’t look after it, so somehow after saying I would just look after it for 2 weeks, I end up just keeping the cat because the girl who said it was temporary was a liar.
This cat is growing up nicely but it is strictly an indoor cat. We are next to a major roadway, it wasn’t a great part of town, and I just didn’t want the cat going out anyways. Anyways, this dumb fuck that is my roommates friend ends up getting high on mushrooms and starts trying to tell me how it was horrible to cut the cat’s balls off. I am like WTF are you talking about, we had to get the cat fixed, he then proceeds to let the cat out later that night saying he was free from the evil tyranny of my grasp or something. Guess fucking what, the cat got run over. Fuck you Charlie.” –saltywings
27. Eviction notice.
“Not a guest but a room mate. He once kicked the door open to our shared bathroom and destroyed the door jam. I came back to find this after a weekend away with my SO. He admits to it and says not to worry he was going to fix it. He spends the next week sitting around smoking weed and pounding 40s. Being fed up with not having a bathroom that locks for my gf (1 female in a house of five dudes) I go to the hardware store and buy all the materials.
While I’m hammering the splintered door jam back together the culprit is sitting on his ass smoking weed and fucking around with some call of duty game. When I finish I hand him a bill and tell him he has 2 weeks to pay it. He cried in my doorway for like 30 minutes begging me to not charge him, and claimed that it wasnt valid because he was going to fix it. Charged him 20 bucks an hour for my labor and material cost only came to about 60 bucks. He paid when I told the landlord to threaten to evict his ass.” –red_fury
28. Wait- what now?
“Took a shit in one of my coffee mugs then ran down the street with it.” –Y_ROR
29. Take care of your dog.
“Had a friend comer over for a weekend thing to celebrate my 6th month of sobriety.
He brought his girlfriend, who brought her Cocker Spaniel. Who proceeded to shit on my couch, and not a solid shit either,. I’m talking that thick, cake batter diarrhea they get from cheap Off Brand dog food.
and she just looked at me, pinching her nose and said snottily ‘arent you going to like clean that up’
My friend looked at her she just had a xenomorph Chest Burster live up to its name right there in the room, got up, grabbed some papertowels, and cleaned it while apologizing to me repeatedly.
He dumped her the next day because the same thing happened at his parents house.” –WeirdWolfGuy
30. Never use your own name.
“Not my house, but while at a sleepover when we were kids one of my friends decided to engrave his name into a glass dining table.” –12DollarsRich
31. A lot of pee stories.
“We had two futons in our common space in one of my college dorm rooms. We woke up one morning to leave for breakfast, walked through the common room and noticed that both futons had giant wet spots on them. Someone came into our room and peed on BOTH futons. We had one shady ass roommate who we all suspected, but we don’t know for sure. Were there two of them? Did one person pee one futon then move to the other and also pee there? The world may never know…” –mssrwbad
32. Greetings, strange man. Please come in.
“A co-worker of my husband’s just walked in our back door one night and had the gall to call me a bitch when I told him I was going to call the cops if he didn’t leave. Apparently, he thought it would be fine to just walk in because “your husband knows I’m coming over; why are you freaking out?” I’d never met this guy, our kid was asleep, and my husband (who wasn’t supposed to be home from work for a couple more hours) hadn’t texted me that Dude was coming over; of course I’m going to freak out!” –ServantofShemhazai
33. At least clean up after yourselves.
“Heroin. They forgot their needles out, a discovery made after seeing my cat playing with them.” –SilverHaze024
34. I can’t decide which item is more valuable.
“Stole some of my underwear. Also stole my xbox 360 and sold it for drug money.” –UnnamedNamesake
35. Don’t flush that.
“I was throwing a birthday party for my daughter at our house and we have a septic system. Well rule #1 of a septic is you don’t flush anything other than toilet paper. EVER. Well during the party i guess a bunch of people started flushing baby wipes down the toilet. Long story short, our septic started backing up in the middle of the party and after that it all turned to shit.” –terminallynerdy
36. This is why there are laws.
“When I was younger our landlord used to come by a little too often to “check up” on us. I remember I would get so frustrated because he would act as if the house was his even though he had legal ownership of it. He’d put his bare ass feet on the couch and would ask me to get him snacks from our kitchen. I wish I was older then so I could’ve kicked him in his stupid throat.” –y3llowdaze
37. This is the weirdest one but sounds like a fun party.
“I had a rager of a party a few years back and some dude decided to make a “soup” in my bathtub.
He was very inclusive in his approach and allowed anyone to add their own “ingredients”, but he was the chef and protected it all night. I didn’t find out until the early morning because I was busy being off my tits and all that.
Included in the soup was: vomit, blood, a couple condoms (not used), a shit ton of water, spirits and beer – some noodles, pasta, cereal, milk and a fish someone had taken from my neighbours pond which subsequently died.” –ChiefBigwilly
38. Don’t do this to new parents.
“My wife and I were having my high school friends over for some hanging out when our twins were 4 months old. For those without kids, the first few months with a newborn are BRUTAL because you’re sleep deprived, having a constant mental battle of “I should sleep” vs. “I should clean/be productive/be social”, etc., and it’s even worse with multiples.
So, needless to say we put on our happy faces, made the house presentable (though not pristine) and opened the door. My friend’s wife walked in and immediately says “Wow, it’s not very neat in here. Couldn’t you have cleaned?” I’m fairly certain my wife almost committed a crime that day.” –KyleRichXV
Cover image credit, Flickr/Dyeinleft
