You and I were the type of friends who were synonymous with each other–no one would ever mention me without you. Our invitations to parties came coupled, our birthdays were always celebrated in pairs, we even dated friends to keep our time in sync with each other.
I cannot imagine a memory in my life without you somewhat involved. From the days of little league sports, to the times we began going to house parties, to dating, relationships, getting in trouble by our parents. Not a memory of my childhood can be recalled without you playing a vital role.
I find myself often wondering where things went wrong.
I used to be angry. I used to look back and wonder where I went wrong, blaming myself for our friendships disappearing into the night. I wondered why someone that I had cherished so greatly and loved so much–like family–would ghost me like I never mattered. One day our friendship was flourishing–filled with laughter and roasting, iced coffee dates and gym sessions, late-night text messages and venting–the next, it was gone.
Sometimes I had wished we had a big blowout. I wished there was something I could have pinpointed in my mind as a reason that everything had changed. I wanted to know how someone who was such an important part of my life can find it in their heart to act as though our friendship never truly mattered.
It used to hurt to see someone you loved continue on with their life as though you never existed. I knew that I have made decisions, some of which you never agreed with. But I remembered all of the times that you, too, made decisions that I didn’t love–the only difference is I stood by your side and never left.
It took me a while to find peace with the demise of our friendship. I sat up a lot of nights feeling guilty, as though I must have been the one who had done something wrong. But I got to a point where I no longer feel empty and sorrowful about the past–I have finally moved on.
I look back now and realize that some people are meant to be in your life for a temporary amount of time–no matter how important they may have been to you. Some people are in your life at vital moments to be the person you need at that given time. Although you were there for me through my first heartbreak, my father’s death, my troublesome childhood, I know that you were meant to be.
Growing up, I see the ways I have grown without you in my life. As bittersweet as it may be, you would have held me back. I see the things I have left behind, the choices I have made, all of which could have been completely different if you were still here. I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud of who I’ve become. I realize that the person I was, isn’t who I was truly meant to be.
Sure, I look back and still smile on the times that we have had, the moments we had shared, the laughter that filled our friendship–but I’m no longer sad. I’m no longer unhappy to know that it will never happen for us again.
I hope wherever you are, you’re happy with yourself. I hope you have found peace with your problems–the people who had hurt you in the past. I hope you finally find something you love and let it consume you. I hope you find a guy who truly treats you the way you deserve.
I’m not resentful for you moving on. I’m not angry you left without a word. I’m not sad we’ll never do all of the things we once dreamed about.
I’m finally content with knowing our friendship has outgrown each of us, individually.