9 Things Women In Their 40s Should Stop Doing
You’re in your 40s and something shifts. The things you tolerated in your 20s and 30s—the performative niceness, the constant accommodation, the shrinking yourself to fit others’ expectations—start feeling intolerable. You’re not becoming difficult. You’re becoming yourself.
Your 40s are when you finally have enough life experience to know what actually matters and enough confidence to stop doing things that don’t serve you. The challenge is giving yourself permission to let go of behaviors you’ve been performing for decades.
Psychologists studying adult development and authenticity note that midlife often brings shift toward authenticity. The gap between who you are and who you’ve been pretending to be becomes unbearable, and you finally start closing it.
1. Stop pretending to enjoy things you don’t
The book club where you haven’t enjoyed a book in two years. The girls’ trips that drain you. The activities you signed up for out of obligation and kept doing out of guilt. You’re allowed to quit things just because you don’t want to do them anymore.
Life is too short to spend limited free time on activities that feel like obligations. Research shows that authentic engagement predicts life satisfaction far more than maintaining commitments that stopped serving you years ago.
Your 40s are for ruthlessly editing what gets your time and energy. If it’s not adding value, it can go. No lengthy explanations required.
2. Stop maintaining friendships that feel like work
The friend who only calls when she needs something. The group where you’re always the one organizing. The relationships where you give 80% and get 20% back. You’ve been maintaining these out of history or habit, but they’re exhausting you.
Research on friendship quality across lifespan shows that in midlife, friendship quality matters exponentially more than quantity. Your 40s are for investing in relationships that actually nourish you and letting the rest fade.
You’re not being a bad friend by releasing friendships that stopped being mutual. You’re making space for relationships that actually work.
3. Stop apologizing for having standards
You want restaurants that aren’t too loud. Hotels with good beds. Plans that respect your need for sleep. You’re done apologizing for knowing what you need and asking for it. High-maintenance is just knowing yourself well.
Your standards aren’t unreasonable—they’re just specific. Research shows that self-advocacy increases in midlife as women become less willing to sacrifice comfort for others’ convenience.
You’ve spent decades being agreeable. Your 40s are for being honest about what actually works for you, even when it inconveniences others.
4. Stop wearing uncomfortable clothing for appearance
The shapewear that makes breathing difficult. The heels that hurt after thirty minutes. The clothes that look great but feel terrible. You’re done choosing appearance over comfort because you finally understand that feeling good matters more than looking perfect.
This isn’t giving up on appearance—it’s refusing to suffer for it. Research on women and body image shows that midlife often brings liberation from appearance standards that required pain.
You can look good in clothes that don’t hurt. Your 40s are for discovering that comfort and style aren’t mutually exclusive.
5. Stop competing with women half your age
The 25-year-old at work isn’t your competition. The Instagram influencer in her 20s isn’t your benchmark. You’re in completely different life stages with completely different priorities. Comparing yourself to them is pointless and painful.
Research shows that age-appropriate comparison predicts better mental health. Your 40s are for measuring yourself against your own past and your own values, not against women in entirely different circumstances.
You’re not in competition with younger women. You’re on a different path entirely, and that’s exactly how it should be.
6. Stop explaining or justifying your choices
You’re not having kids. You’re divorced. You’re changing careers. You’re happy single. Whatever your life looks like, you’re done explaining it to people who think they know better. Your choices are yours, and they don’t require defense.
Research on autonomy and wellbeing shows that living according to your own values rather than others’ expectations predicts life satisfaction. Your 40s are for exercising that autonomy without apology.
The people who matter will respect your choices. The people who don’t aren’t people whose opinions should influence your life.
7. Stop saying yes when you mean no
The invitation you don’t want to accept. The favor that’s inconvenient. The commitment that doesn’t interest you. You’ve spent years saying yes to keep peace or avoid disappointing people. You’re done.
Research on boundary-setting shows that clear boundaries predict lower stress and higher relationship satisfaction. Your 40s are for practicing “no” as a complete sentence.
Every yes to something you don’t want is a no to something you do want. Your time is finite. Stop giving it away to avoid momentary awkwardness.
8. Stop waiting for permission to pursue what interests you
The career change you’ve been thinking about. The hobby that seems frivolous. The goal that feels too ambitious. You’re waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay, it’s reasonable, it’s the right time. Nobody’s coming to give you permission.
Research shows that midlife often brings renewed sense of possibility as responsibilities shift and self-knowledge deepens. Your 40s are for pursuing what calls to you, regardless of whether it makes sense to anyone else.
You don’t need permission. You need decision and action. The right time is now because waiting hasn’t made it clearer.
9. Stop shrinking yourself to make others comfortable
You have strong opinions. You take up space. You’re not quiet, demure, or endlessly agreeable. And you’re done making yourself smaller so others feel bigger. Your presence doesn’t require apology.
Research on women and assertiveness shows that midlife often brings increased willingness to be direct, which others sometimes experience as threatening simply because it’s different from decades of accommodation.
Your 40s are for full-sized presence. The people who need you small aren’t your people. The ones who celebrate your fullness are.
If you’re in your 40s, you’ve earned the right to stop doing things that don’t serve you. You’ve spent decades learning what works and what doesn’t. Now it’s time to act on that knowledge.
This isn’t about becoming selfish or difficult. It’s about finally aligning your external life with your internal truth. It’s about spending your finite time and energy on what actually matters instead of what you think you should do.
Your 40s are for shedding the performance and living authentically. The things you need to stop doing aren’t serving anyone—not even the people you thought you were doing them for.
Let them go. Make space for what’s real.
