Nobody likes being left out of conversations simply because they don’t follow Perez Hilton on Instagram. (This is not meant to be a dig at Perez — the speed and efficiency with which the man gets trending news onto his Instagram stories is remarkable.)
Which is why we’ve gathered the most viral, interesting stories of the past week, and synopsized them for you here. We do it because we love you. Now go forth and discuss the bravery of MPR raccoon, for the love of god!
1. Chrissy Teigen And John Legend Donating $72,000 For Each Member Of Their Family To The ACLU In Honor Of Donald Trump’s 72nd Birthday:
MSNBC reporter Jacob Soboroff toured a child migrant “shelter” in Texas this week, and drew some deeply disturbing and indisputable parallels to a prison in his Twitter account after the fact. Soboroff’s journalism only stoked the fire of outrage for those who find Donald Trump and Jeff Session’s “zero tolerance policy” of tearing migrant children from their parents’ arms to be repugnant and reminiscent of 1945 Germany.
So on Donald Trump’s 72nd birthday on Thursday, Twitter sweetheart Chrissy Teigen informed the president that each member of her family would be donating $72,000 to the ACLU in his honor — a total of $288,000.
“If you would like to donate $7.20, $72 or whatever you like to the ACLU in honor of this blessed day, please go to www.aclu.org/72,” wrote Teigen.
2. The Social Media Backlash To IHOB (the chain formerly known as IHOP) Revealing That The “B” Stands For “Burgers.”
In case you haven’t heard, the restaurant formerly known as IHOP launched a new marketing campaign that consisted of changing their name to IHOB and keeping everyone guessing as to what the “B” could possibly stand for. Everybody assumed “Breakfast.” Everybody was wrong. Curveball!
As it turns out, the “B” stands for “Burgers,” much to the bafflement and disappointment of the apparently enormous amount of people who give a sh*t about IHOP. Rival fast food chains dropped tweet burns roasting IHOB, their disses no doubt the brainchildren of savage millennial social media managers.
This is what counts for news now, because we all exist in a upside-down dystopia of our own making. Anyway, speaking of Chrissy Teigen, the chef responded to the IHOB debacle with this tweet:
To which IHOB appeared to finally grow some meatballs, clapping back with this clever retort:
A Reddit AMA posted by u/IncrediblyShinyShart outlined in great detail how the 38-year-old ate his own leg and convinced ten of his friends to join him. In an interview with Vice, Shiny – who prefers to remain anonymous – recounts the motorcycle accident that led to the amputation of his leg.
– Shiny invited 11 people to join in his self-cannibalism. 10 said yes. One of them was a chef, who made “fajita tacos made from Shiny’s severed human limb.”
– Shiny says his leg “tasted like buffalo, but chewier. Super beefy and little fat.”
– He also said it wasn’t great. “This particular cut was super beefy. It had a very pronounced, beefy flavor to it. The muscle I cut was tough and chewy. It tasted good, but the experience wasn’t the best.”
– Shiny’s life improved dramatically after his accident. “Things worked out so damn well afterward,” he told Vice. “My life has gotten so much better. I left the town I was in and a job of 10 years that was killing me emotionally. I moved to another state. I have a way better job that I enjoy the hell out of. I’ve met a woman who I’ve been with for over a year and a half now and she’s the best thing in my life. I’m so much happier now than I could conceive of being before. And it’s because of this time where my life was threatened and I persevered through it. Eating my foot was a funny and weird and interesting way to move forward.”
While most Americans slept, a teeny little raccoon slowly but surely finished his Spiderman-crawl to the top of a 25-story UBS building in St. Paul, MN.
The arduous climb of the intrepid little critter captivated Twitter. Before long, he (OR SHE) had his own Twitter account with nearly 5,000 followers. People within the building posted pictures of his progress from their offices on various floors. As #mprraccoon began to trend, celebrities took notice, prompting St. Paul’s mayor to issue a statement assuring the world that help was on its way.
After a “delicious meal of soft cat food,” the brave little guy (OR GIRL) was captured and released back into the wild by Wildlife Management Services.
5. Amy Poehler Answering Lighthearted Interview Questions With Brutal Honesty:
Parks And Recreation star Amy Poehler was recently interviewed for The Hollywood Reporter’s “The 40(ish) Most Powerful People In Comedy” feature. While her fellow comics gave straightforward responses to questions about guilty pleasures and memorable hecklers, Poehler instead drew attention to the fact that the world, currently, is a flaming trash heap.
6. Kat Von D Dismaying The Entire Internet By Revealing She’s An Anti-Vaxxer:
Tattoo artist and makeup legend Kat Von D took a huge L in the public consciousness this week after revealing on Instagram that she and her husband Leafar Seyerdo not plan on vaccinating their baby.
I knew the minute we announced our pregnancy that we would be bombarded with unsolicited advice. Some good and some questionable – unsolicited none the less. I also was prepared for the backlash and criticism we would get if we decided to be open about our personal approach to our pregnancy. My own Father flipped out on me when I told him we decided to ditch our doctor and go with a midwife instead. If you don’t know what it’s like have people around you think you are ridiculous, try being openly vegan. And, if you don’t know what it’s like to have the entire world openly criticize, judge, throw uninformed opinions, and curse you – try being an openly pregnant vegan on Instagram, having a natural, drug-free home birth in water with a midwife and doula, who has the intention of raising a vegan child, without vaccinations. My point being: I already know what it’s like to make life choices that are not the same as the majority. So your negative comments are not going influence my choices – actual research and educating myself will – which i am diligently doing. This is my body. This is our child. And this is our pregnancy journey. Feel free to follow me on here if you like what I’m about – whether it’s tattooing, lipstick, Animal Rights, sobriety, feminism, ridiculous gothiness, black flower gardening, cats, or my adorable husband. But if you don’t dig a certain something about what I post, i kindly ask that you press the unfollow button and move the fuck on. So before anyone of you feel inspired to tell me how to do this, I would appreciate you keeping your unsolicited criticism to yourself. More importantly, for those who have amazing positive energy to send my way, I will gladly and graciously receive it with love! X
There are literally hundreds of articles and peer-reviewed studies that prove vaccines do not cause autism, birth defects, or any of the other negative effects espoused by anti-vaxxers. Kat Von D’s Instagram post received much backlash across social media as disappointed fans began to unfollow her en masse.
In case you needed another reason to unfollow: Kat Von D also has a well-documented history of flaming anti-semitism.
7. Dolce & Gabbana Designer Stefano Gabbana Calling Selena Gomez “So Ugly” On Instagram:
Selena Gomez fans jumped to the pop star’s defense after 55-year-old D&G designer Stefano Gabbana commented “è proprio brutta” — which translates to “she’s so ugly” under a photo collage of Gomez in red dresses posted by The Catwalk Italia on Monday.
What prompted the middle-aged tinhorn to comment negatively on the appearance of a 25-year-old singer may forever remain a mystery, though his behavior is not without precedent: Gabbana has previously posted body-shaming comments a photo of Kate Moss in Saint Laurent and Victoria Beckham in Vogue Brasil.
Fans and friends quickly voiced their support for Gomez, including Miley Cyrus and “13 Reasons Why” star Tommy Dorfman.
Drake pandered to our most base desires on Wednesday when he dropped a new music video for “I’m Upset.” Nobody seemed to even notice that this was Drizzy’s thinly-veiled, schmaltzy attempt at distracting us all from the brutal beating his ego took from rap veteran Pusha T a couple of weeks ago. If people noticed, they certainly didn’t care, because if not for our turtlenecked protagonist, we’d be without this blessed Degrassi reunion.