7 Phrases Narcissists Use During Arguments To Control You
You’re trying to have a conversation about something they did that hurt you. Within minutes, you’re defending yourself, apologizing, or questioning your own reality. You entered the discussion with a legitimate concern and left it feeling crazy, wrong, or at fault. This is what arguing with a narcissist feels like.
Narcissists don’t argue to resolve conflict or reach understanding. They argue to win, to maintain control, and to avoid accountability. And they use specific phrases—almost like a script—to destabilize you and redirect attention away from their behavior.
Psychologists studying narcissistic personality patterns have identified language tactics that show up repeatedly in narcissistic communication. These aren’t random. They’re strategic moves designed to maintain power and avoid exposure.
1. “You’re Too Sensitive”
This phrase serves one purpose: to make your reasonable emotional response into a character defect. You’re not reacting to something they did wrong—you’re overreacting because something’s wrong with you. The problem isn’t their behavior. The problem is your sensitivity.
It’s a double trap. If you defend yourself, you’re proving their point by being “defensive.” If you back down, you’re accepting that your feelings aren’t valid. Either way, the focus has shifted from what they did to what’s wrong with you.
Research on emotional invalidation shows this is a core narcissistic tactic. By attacking your emotional credibility, they eliminate the need to address their actual behavior. Your sensitivity becomes the issue that needs fixing, not their actions.
2. “That Never Happened” / “I Never Said That”
Even when you remember clearly—sometimes even when you have proof—they’ll deny it with such confidence you start doubting your own memory. This is gaslighting in its most direct form: strategically denying reality to make you question your perception.
The goal isn’t to win an argument about what happened. The goal is to establish that your memory can’t be trusted. Once you’re uncertain about your own recollection of events, you’re much easier to control. You start relying on their version of reality because you can’t trust your own.
Narcissists know that most people will choose to doubt themselves rather than believe someone is lying with such conviction. Your desire to give benefit of the doubt becomes the weapon they use against you.
3. “You’re Just Like Your [Mother/Father/Ex]”
They compare you to someone they know will wound you—someone whose behavior you’ve worked hard not to replicate, someone who hurt you, someone you actively don’t want to be like. The comparison is strategic, designed to hit your deepest insecurities.
This serves multiple purposes. It derails the conversation from the current issue. It activates your core wounds and makes you defensive. And it forces you to prove you’re not like that person instead of addressing what they did wrong.
The comparison is rarely accurate. It’s just weaponized to destabilize you. Narcissists collect information about your vulnerabilities specifically to use them when you challenge their behavior.
4. “Everyone Else Thinks You’re Crazy” / “Even Your Friends Think…”
They invoke imaginary consensus to make you feel isolated and wrong. “Everyone agrees with me” or “I’ve talked to people and they all think you’re being unreasonable.” They’re manufacturing social proof to make you feel like the problem isn’t them—it’s you, and everyone can see it.
This plays on fear of being the villain in your own story. If everyone thinks you’re wrong, maybe you are. But the “everyone” is either made up or represents a distorted version of conversations that never happened the way they’re claiming.
Research on social isolation in abusive relationships shows that narcissists deliberately make their targets feel alone and wrong. Creating the impression that no one will believe you or support you keeps you trapped and doubting yourself.
5. “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
This sounds like an apology but it’s actually the opposite. They’re not apologizing for what they did—they’re expressing sympathy for your unfortunate emotional reaction. The problem stays located in your feelings rather than their actions.
A real apology acknowledges harm and takes responsibility: “I’m sorry I said that” or “I’m sorry I hurt you.” A non-apology like “I’m sorry you feel that way” maintains plausible deniability. They get credit for apologizing while admitting nothing and changing nothing.
You’re left feeling like maybe you got an apology, but nothing is actually resolved. That confusion is intentional. They want credit for repair without actually repairing anything.
6. “You’re Being Dramatic” / “You’re Overreacting”
Your response to their behavior—no matter how measured—gets labeled as excessive. They minimize what they did while maximizing your reaction to it. “It wasn’t that big a deal” meets “you’re making this into something it’s not.”
This forces you to defend not just your position but your right to have the reaction you’re having. Instead of discussing their behavior, you’re now proving that your response is proportional. The focus has successfully shifted from them to you.
Narcissists use this to make you feel like you’re the problem in every conflict. You start policing your own reactions, making yourself smaller, expressing less hurt—all to avoid being labeled dramatic. That self-silencing is exactly what they want.
7. “After Everything I’ve Done For You”
This weaponizes generosity. Every kind thing they’ve ever done gets tallied and presented as evidence that you’re ungrateful, demanding, or wrong to have complaints. The implicit message: their past behavior has purchased your silence about current problems.
Healthy relationships don’t operate on a scorekeeping system where good deeds cancel out harmful ones. But narcissists will invoke their positive contributions as if they create immunity from criticism. Past generosity becomes a way to avoid accountability for present harm.
Research on narcissistic relationship dynamics shows this is particularly effective because it activates guilt. Once you feel guilty for being “ungrateful,” you’re much less likely to continue advocating for yourself.
If you’re hearing multiple phrases from this list regularly in your relationship, you’re likely dealing with narcissistic manipulation. These aren’t occasional defensive responses—they’re consistent patterns designed to avoid accountability and maintain control.
Recognizing the tactics doesn’t automatically fix the relationship. Narcissistic patterns are deeply embedded and resistant to change without genuine recognition and intervention, which narcissists rarely pursue.
But knowing what’s happening gives you clarity. You’re not crazy. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not overreacting. You’re being systematically manipulated, and the confusion you feel is the point.
Trust yourself. If conversations consistently leave you feeling destabilized, wrong, and somehow at fault for someone else’s behavior, that’s information. The confusion is the tactic, and clarity is your way out.
